How strongly can I express how much I don’t understand this, how it effects me. I really have no clue how I got here. My life wasn’t that bad. Now I’m this morbid person who honestly feels like giving up. I have so little hope of freedom left. I have no clue how much longer I can fight this. Eventually, I feel that I will stop fighting what I am and give into this desire to self abuse until I am satisfied. Which will be never. Growing up in a Christian home and being in the church has made me aware that only God satisfies. But for an unknown reason I cling to this sin, separation from peace, and I won’t let go. I want to accept the truth, which I know will set me free. I want it so badly. But I’m scared. I’ve been held captive by this for so long that I’ve forgotten what its like to decide for myself. This rules me, it owns me. I have to run away from this, literally. By now no one can rescue me from this, unless I take the first step by making my slavery to self abuse known. Slavery is illegal, but it still happens, even today. Its just hidden. I’m ready to fell. I need an escape plan that will make it impossible for my bondage to hunt me down. I’m FURIOUS at this!! I HATE IT!
I wrote this in my journal. Then I read this short blog.
“I will plant my seed of freedom and let it grow. I’ve been doing good since New Years. It feels nice.” – HopeOnFire
Suddenly, I’m encouraged again. But I fear that this encouragement won’t last for long.
I’m ALWAYS scared. Scared to get too happy or hopeful, because soon after I crumble.
I haven’t SI’d in almost 2 weeks. I haven’t even felt the urge to until tonight. I don’t want this anymore. It’s time to kill this demon that’s controlling me with no mercy.