I am incredibly lucky. I have a wonderful family, very supporting friends, and the means to treat my depression.

And yet I’m not getting better. It’s been months, and several steps have been taken. I haven’t been able to stop hurting myself. I talk to my friends, but I can tell that it scares them. I don’t want them to be scared. But I want to get better.

It’s just…it’s an addiction. It’s so hard to stop. My willpower can only do so much. It won’t be long before someone else notices-I’m a swimmer, so I am actually in a bathing suit five times a week.

I try so hard. All the time. I fight it all the time. It’s easier to pretend I’m okay then to see everyone’s reactions to what I’m really feeling. But it’s so exhausting. I like the moment where I can just acknowledge that I’m not okay. Intellectually, I know it’s only a temporary relief. I know that it causes more problems in it of itself than it’s actually solving, because it solves nothing. But emotionally, I’m addicted to the relief.

I need help. But it’s shameful to talk about for me to people that can’t understand, because I know they’re judging me.