I have been doing very well with SI and life in general lately. I am actually able to be happy for the first time in a long while and maintain that happiness. I feel like the moment I admit this, the ball will drop and things will turn around in a negative way for me, but I needed to write and get this out rather then have it eat away at me which usually in turn makes me feel like SIing.

So, I have been trying to move ahead with my career lately. I feel that now that I am more emotionally stable and back on track, I have the motivation and energy to go further within the company I work for. Well recently a position has opened up that I have a large amount of interest in and feel like I am qualified for it. I had a preliminary interview for it, and it went alright – well enough to get sent to the next round, but I keep playing my answers over and over in my head and beat up myself about it. I feel like I sounded stupid, wonder why I said that and not the other thing that I was thinking, wonder if I made myself sound bad. I get so worked up about it makes me want to take my anxiety, and frustration about it all, on myself. I feel like I need to be punished for giving “wrong” answers.

I just want this so much that I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want that “failure” feeling anymore.