hey im new here…ive been SI for about a year now and im only 14 which bothers me. it seems like when im with my friends, im alright, i can be happy and everything and no one can tell that i am so insecure. but when im by myself, it seems like i cant control any of my feelings or get a grip on anything in my life and i start to SI. its really affecting my school work and attitude at home and certain things seem to annoy me more than others. I have recently told a friend about my problem and he sort of freaked out on me which made everything worse. it’s understandable that he wouldnt know how to relate to me, but idk-it turned me topsy turvy for a while. Ive been doing some research on the internet and it seems that one of the most important things to stop SI is to find an outlet- something that you can just let yourself be free with while doing. But the thing is, i cant find anything that i enjoy doing where i can completely lose myself. Some people write poetry, sing, run, listen to music, but nothing seems to suit me and idk what to do.
I have a lot of things going for me and my parents have a great many plans for my future, although i seem to have lost mine. When i entered highschool only a couple of months ago, it seemed like all my friends were “finding themselves” where as i was losing who i am. I am a busy bee, and involved in lots of things but sometimes i just get this impending feeling thats terrible. its usually at night and in a trans i end up injuring and going back to bed. i have told many lies to keep myself safe. everytime i lie though, my friend- the one i told- looks at me with pain in his eyes and it seems to faze me even more. I try to keep things covered so i dont get questioned, but sometimes i forget and im scared that the wrong people might find out. He has offered me help many times, saying that even if i feel terrible in the middle of the night that i should call him and talk to him. Thing is, im not so sure i WANT the help. i mean, sure i need to stop, of course, but it doesnt seem like its gonna happen. ever. im really bad at talking to others, and i have a real problem with crying when i feel bad too. Everything is going upside down, this is definitely not how i pictured my life turning out. Any suggestions on how to relieve stress would be greatly appreciated. thanks(: