Thank you all so much for being there. I realize that by writing here I am really trying to communicate. That I need to communicate. There’s so much I need to communicate. Someone I didn’t know personally but was part of my community took her life on Christmas day. I found out on New Years day. I saw for the first time how much danger I’m in. Though I’ve been saying it I haven’t been saying it directly. I just have no idea how to go about living. Though I want to. That’s what I want to say but I know it doesn’t make sense because I know that the response is that I am being so I must know how to be. It’s an existential crisis. It’s really weird to be in the middle of. To feel like my mind is cracking. I’m embarrassed to admit that I was reading Heidegger when the last round of this started. I feel like I have to play this round out all the way. Which means keep getting help but which also means this has even more potencial to get dangerous. I’m scared because I want help but can also see myself using it as a wall to crash into because I just need to crash into something. I’m completely ashamed of that need but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I don’t know how to stop myself from raising the stakes. So ashamed.