Blog 5:

I don’t know where else to turn to.  I am not sure I can live like this anymore.  I thought I was fine, but now my head is spinning out of control.  My inner voice is getting stronger and stronger and I’m beginning to feel numb everywhere.  Why won’t these feelings just stop? 

I just found out another one of my friends is pregnant with her second kid.  This shouldn’t be a big deal, but to me it IS!  It’s another rub in the face to me that I can’t ever have my own kids with my partner because it’s not possible.  Even if I WAS with a man, I’m not sure my body would let me anyway.  Either way, I have been cursed.  When I was a kid, that was the only thing I wanted.  A nice family and kids.  It’s now time for all that stuff to start taking place, and it can’t. 

I can’t stop crying.  I can’t help but wonder why I was chosen to live this lifestyle.  Is it a flaw in me?  Am I being punished?  Was I predestined to be unhappy with the circumstances which surround me?

I talked/cried to my girlfriend a few minutes ago.  She asked if I really want to be with her.  That makes it hurt even more- knowing that I want something she can’t give me and her being upset about it.  Yes I want to be with her, I just want that “normal” life that is never going to happen.  She knows how this subject hurts me.  She said not to SI.  I just hurt so much.  She can’t grasp my feelings because her ex already had two kids, which are coming over tomorrow.  Another slap in the face to me.  Her ex didn’t even take care of the kids like they should have been.  She was off doing drugs and left the kids with my girlfriend for days at a time.  I just don’t get it. 

SI seems like the only thing that would make me feel real again.  I can’t do it though.  I can’t hurt her like that.  She said it makes her hurt 20 times more than I do.  I’m not trying to be selfish.  I just can’t deal with all of these emotions anymore.

I am new to all of this.  I just decided who I actually was (well admitted it to myself) 7 months ago.  All of these “little” things didn’t really have any weight on me until I have slowly run across all the problems that the “heterosexual Christians” said I would.  I can’t help but hear my old neighbor say “I told you that you were living an unnatural lifestyle”. 

I want to crawl in a hole.  I want to run away.  I want these tears to stop and my body to calm.  I have one thing on my mind and one thing only- but I CAN’T!  I never really knew how bad my problem was until now. 

All of this started by reading a facebook status.  What is wrong with me?  I haven’t broken down like this in a long long time.  I am a frickin’ MESS!!  I don’t know how I should feel right now or what I’m feeling. 

I guess I’ll run away again and go back to sleep.  It’s the only safe place in the world for me right now.