Blog 5:
I don’t know where else to turn to. I am not sure I can live like this anymore. I thought I was fine, but now my head is spinning out of control. My inner voice is getting stronger and stronger and I’m beginning to feel numb everywhere. Why won’t these feelings just stop?
I just found out another one of my friends is pregnant with her second kid. This shouldn’t be a big deal, but to me it IS! It’s another rub in the face to me that I can’t ever have my own kids with my partner because it’s not possible. Even if I WAS with a man, I’m not sure my body would let me anyway. Either way, I have been cursed. When I was a kid, that was the only thing I wanted. A nice family and kids. It’s now time for all that stuff to start taking place, and it can’t.
I can’t stop crying. I can’t help but wonder why I was chosen to live this lifestyle. Is it a flaw in me? Am I being punished? Was I predestined to be unhappy with the circumstances which surround me?
I talked/cried to my girlfriend a few minutes ago. She asked if I really want to be with her. That makes it hurt even more- knowing that I want something she can’t give me and her being upset about it. Yes I want to be with her, I just want that “normal” life that is never going to happen. She knows how this subject hurts me. She said not to SI. I just hurt so much. She can’t grasp my feelings because her ex already had two kids, which are coming over tomorrow. Another slap in the face to me. Her ex didn’t even take care of the kids like they should have been. She was off doing drugs and left the kids with my girlfriend for days at a time. I just don’t get it.
SI seems like the only thing that would make me feel real again. I can’t do it though. I can’t hurt her like that. She said it makes her hurt 20 times more than I do. I’m not trying to be selfish. I just can’t deal with all of these emotions anymore.
I am new to all of this. I just decided who I actually was (well admitted it to myself) 7 months ago. All of these “little” things didn’t really have any weight on me until I have slowly run across all the problems that the “heterosexual Christians” said I would. I can’t help but hear my old neighbor say “I told you that you were living an unnatural lifestyle”.
I want to crawl in a hole. I want to run away. I want these tears to stop and my body to calm. I have one thing on my mind and one thing only- but I CAN’T! I never really knew how bad my problem was until now.
All of this started by reading a facebook status. What is wrong with me? I haven’t broken down like this in a long long time. I am a frickin’ MESS!! I don’t know how I should feel right now or what I’m feeling.
I guess I’ll run away again and go back to sleep. It’s the only safe place in the world for me right now.
Hi – it sounds like you’re having a very difficult time. It’s great you are talking about it and seeking some support – all of that will be helpful to you.
Coming out is a difficult process and along with all the negatives you seem to be hearing, I wanted to ask if you’ve sought some positive support? You wrote about wanting to have kids, unless there is a medical reason why you can’t – then why can’t you? (It’s more of a rhetorical question – something to think about). I would really encourage you to google some topics – such as “lesbian parenting” and if you’re religious – there are also POSITIVE places to get some support. (If you’re not religious that’s fine too, but you mention all the negative messages people are giving you). Go to Google again – this time “lesbian christian” or whatever religion you are. SKIP anything negative that shows up, go to the encouraging places of support. You’ve heard all the negative garbage and seem to be taking all that in. Give yourself a chance to hear the positive and supportive voices that are out there. Keep fighting for yourself, you’ll get through this tough time. We all need support in our lives.
Best wishes, Pam
I have worked with a lesbian veterinarian for 2 years. She and her partner just had their first child (her wife carried the baby). There are viable options for lesbians who want children and why not? Being gay does not mean you can’t be a good mom. The question I think you need to consider: is your current relationship a healthy one in which you feel you can raise a child? With the pull of S.I. becoming stronger under stress, you will need loving and supportive people in your life to help with parenting stress. This may not be possible for you right now; however, it is a good goal for you to have in mind. Happiness often begins with how we feel about ourselves, but it is easier to focus on what comes at us from the world around us. Never lose focus: what will make you happy? YOU. not everyone around you. And then you have to convince yourself you deserve happiness. Lofty goals I know, but ones we should consider before starting a family I think. I hope this helps.