i found out that im bipolar in about the end of september. it was a huge surprise to me. i had been looking for over two years the reason to why i was so depressed all the time. and the reason was that im bipolar!!!! i started taking medication. when i first started taking the meds, things went downhill and got way worse for me. i would get up in the middle of class, go to the hall, take out my tool and SI. i knew it was getting out of control. so i worked up the courage to call my mom one day when i was at school. i completely broke down over the phone to her. we made an emergency appt. and my doctor surprisingly…. INCREASED the dosage of my medecine. but sure enuff… the deathly thoughts i once had everyday, only come every now and then, so i guess it kinda worked. i didnt injure for over a month and a half.. until the other day. me and my best friend got into a fight. he was my everything. we told each other everything. well.. since we were fighting, we werent talking, so this anger and sadness built up in me and i wanted to SI sooo bad. i did. i had noone to talk to. now ive added to the collection of scars that will last a lifetime. its so embarassing. everyday at school, i wear a smile. everybody looks at me and says ” man she seems soo happy!!!” well they have one thing that ive never had. and thats the ability to let themselves be happy. everytime i get happy, i purposely destroy it. its like i dont want myself to be happy. ive gotten so used to being the emo depressed chick, that i dont want to change now. i hate change. so every chance i get, i make sure bad things happen. i overreact a lot. i need to change…. i dont how tho. and also..sometimes when i AM happy and enjoying myself… my skin just craves for SI-ing. its like i need it mentally to keep going… idk how to stop it. im trying my hardest to change….