i found out that im bipolar in about the end of september. it was a huge surprise to me. i had been looking for over two years the reason to why i was so depressed all the time. and the reason was that im bipolar!!!! i started taking medication. when i first started taking the meds, things went downhill and got way worse for me. i would get up in the middle of class, go to the hall, take out my tool and SI. i knew it was getting out of control. so i worked up the courage to call my mom one day when i was at school. i completely broke down over the phone to her. we made an emergency appt. and my doctor surprisingly…. INCREASED the dosage of my medecine. but sure enuff… the deathly thoughts i once had everyday, only come every now and then, so i guess it kinda worked. i didnt injure for over a month and a half.. until the other day. me and my best friend got into a fight. he was my everything. we told each other everything. well.. since we were fighting, we werent talking, so this anger and sadness built up in me and i wanted to SI sooo bad. i did. i had noone to talk to. now ive added to the collection of scars that will last a lifetime. its so embarassing. everyday at school, i wear a smile. everybody looks at me and says ” man she seems soo happy!!!” well they have one thing that ive never had. and thats the ability to let themselves be happy. everytime i get happy, i purposely destroy it. its like i dont want myself to be happy. ive gotten so used to being the emo depressed chick, that i dont want to change now. i hate change. so every chance i get, i make sure bad things happen. i overreact a lot. i need to change…. i dont how tho. and also..sometimes when i AM happy and enjoying myself… my skin just craves for SI-ing. its like i need it mentally to keep going… idk how to stop it. im trying my hardest to change….
Tina, Im glad you talked to your Mom about your feelings. She can be your best advocate, supporter and partner in the fight to end SI. My daughter and I have an agreement that she will let me know when the urge gets strong. A simple thumbs down. Thats all it will take for me to intervene. Keep talking to your Mom and trust her to do what she needs to keep you safe.