November and December Hold

Summer leaves,

And a trace of golden,

memories,

Lie in its wake.

I can’t erase

The things that were done.

The words that were said.

I can’t make you understand.

But I can move on.

November holds

The loss of our friendship.

Your eyes are cold.

Your tears break my heart.

I can’t reach you,

Anymore.

December holds

The last injury that I made.

The last tool that I held.

December holds

The last relapse that I

Will ever see.

November holds,

The day that everything

Changed.

But only for the blink of an

Eye,

Because,

December stole from you

Your unborn child,

Who died in your womb.

November and December hold,

The breaking point.

The almost-fall,

That nearly sent me

Over the edge.

November and December hold

That last breaking point.

But December holds

My decision.

I chose.

I chose to stop self-injuring.

I chose to put

The past behind me.

I can choose,

A very wise person once told me,

And I chose to move on.

From what November and December hold.

I chose.

I chose to walk away

From what November and December

Hold.

Hey there,

I have bought a new journal, because I need to put the past behind me. I need to move on. People have hurt me, and I have hurt people. People have abandoned me, when they said that they wouldn’t. I have broken too many promises. I lost my best friend, because I relied on her too much. My other best friend had a miscarriage. I almost got suspended from my dance school because I talked to my ex-best friend about my S.I.ing, because I didn’t know who else to turn to. I threw away opportunities. I lost my sparkle. I fell down. I changed myself. I lost who I was.

For the New Year, I have just one resoloution: to stop hurting myself. Things won’t go back to normal, but I can move on from the people and the things that have broken me, from the actions and the tools that I used to break myself with, and I can try to get my sparkle back. I can learn from my mistakes and experiences, because I can’t change or forget my past. I can become a better person, a better dancer, and a better performer. January, 2010, the new year, the new decade, will be a new beginning. I have a new hope. I hope that you feel my new hope, and that I have empowered and inspired you.

Lots of Love and Hope,

Staystrong 😀 <3