Blog 4:

I finally dropped my grudge and contacted my long, lost best friend today.  I told her that I still care about her (Which I DO) and that she shouldn’t stay a stranger.  I think she needed it as much as I.  She said she has been SI’ing the whole time we haven’t been talking (close to 6 mo) .  She is supposed to call after she gets off of work tonight.  I hope she does and I hope we can sort things out.  I thought she didn’t like the fact that I was in a relationship with another woman since my friend is all into the bible.  I also thought she thought she was too good for me ever since she lost a whole lot of weight and I was still fat.  She owes me money too.  Things get so distorted.  As long as I have the value of her friendship, I’d forget about the money thing.  You will always be in debt, you might not always have a best friend that won’t leave your side (even if at times it seems they did).  I have cried so many nights over not hanging out with her or just a simple hello on a late night text message.  She was my antidepressant and I was hers.  We made life liveable for each other (We’ve been through VERY similar things).  It seemed like when we were together that there was no pain and then she abruptly left and my world crashed.  I don’t know. 

I’m not sure if her phone call is going to be good or bad for me.  I hope she doesn’t trigger me and I hope I can help her.  It’s very touchy and I’m not in great hopes tonight for some reason.  I guess it doesn’t help that I am now seeing what all my facebook people did on New Years, while I sat at home alone, trying not to trigger myself with alcohol (plus I was feeling sick).  Maybe it is time to end the social networking ties.  But then again, this is one of them and it helps ever so slightly.

My girlfriend went back to work tonight after being off for a week for the holidays.  In a way I am happy because I can actually have alone time to think and reflect.  I don’t have to measure her substance intake or worry that she is going to have a stomach episode that makes me want to call the paramedics and she won’t let me.  She won’t go to the Dr. and I think it’s serious, but what do I know…  I just worry when she is flailing around on the bed and I am helpless.  I guess I now know how she feels after I SI.  I guess I just tell myself is that the difference is that hers can be fixed and is a physical problem due to the alcohol she puts in her body and mine isn’t.  Her’s is a disease too, but it just doesn’t feel the same.  I don’t know.  I do know that I don’t want to be a hypocrit.  I just feel like she could control hers, or at least go to the Dr. and see what it is (I go to my psych appointments).  Ughhh….

I came up with something weird earlier in the ramblings of my head that I thought I would share.  I am no philosopher or anything, just random garbage that popped in:

Just because someone else is hurting doesn’t make your own pain hurt any less. Don’t add to someone else’s pain to make yours feel better. We all will hurt at one time or another. It’s about helping each other through the tough spots and stopping with the he said she said bull. Lift each other up for a change … and don’t stab each other’s backs. Life didn’t come with an instruction manual and a battery life.

Anyway, I gotta get off here.  My mom is coming over and I need to put more clothes on.  I just don’t want her up in my business too and getting all worried.

(Sorry if the grammar, etc is bad on here.  I don’t have time to proofread…)