Blog 3: 

I lay awake again tonight

My head spinning in vicious thought

Covering myself up to protect myself from a battle

I thought I had already fought.

There’s been too many harsh words said

And many things done that were purely unkind

They all mix together and numb my soul

To all my scars I am now blind.

The voice in my head never leaves

It constantly cries and yells and screams

It’s hard to stay sane and calm at times

When I don’t know what all of it means.

I’ve tried to balance all of my energy

Into something good for myself

Only to have a vivid flashback or bad day

And then have it turn into something else.

SI has haunted my soul with full force

Turning me into a walking Frankenstein

Everytime I think I get better for good

My priceless victory is never quite mine.

So I still lay awake tonight

Knowing these thoughts aren’t going away

I guess I’ll go lay back in the dark again

Only to hope tomorrow is a better day. 

I have been thinking about this poem for probably 3 hours now, and finally just decided to get on the computer and spew it out.  I can’t sleep tonight, which is not like me.  I usually sleep all the time, to hide from my physical and mental pain. 

I have bad feelings about tomorrow.  There is so much hype about New Years Eve and it mainly involves alcohol- one of my triggers.  I am going to try to sip slowly if any at all, but I already feel that something isn’t right.

My girlfriend made a comment about my injuriestonight, which took place about 2 weeks ago.  I feel bad enough for doing it, without her putting it in my face.  I feel comfortable enough around her to let her see my scars, but I’m starting to pull back. 

She is upping her alcohol consumption daily to where she now hides it from me to make it look like she drinks less now.  I’m not dumb.  When she sleeps as I lay in bed spinning, I can smell it on her breath (not to mention I marked the bottle).  Today she drank the most of any day yet.  I can’t help but wonder if it is me that causes her to do this.  I can’t blame myself for everything, but she was doing so good.  I guess if you have alcoholic tendencies and your girlfriend and only true friend is claming up and not talking to you, sitting in a haze for days on end- you’d probably want to.  I think that’s what is happening. 

I don’t even know what I am feeling most of the time, so how am I supposed to tell her?  And what if it’s about her?  I can’t really talk to her about it and my friends are long gone.  I hold a lot of stuff in that nobody but me sees. 

I feel like I am being hurt from the inside out.  My head won’t shut up.  I so wish I could go back to some sort of sleep, the sun is going to come up soon.  I guess I’ll go lay wrestless in the bed again and think of more poems and my plan for tomorrow in case things get bad.