I feel that my house is a secret haven lately.  My girlfriend of 7 mo today is abusing alcohol (even when the kids are here, I marked the bottle).  She is in communication w/ and pampers her ex by buying her stuff when she gets the kids and talks about her constantly.  I can’t deal with it much longer.  I try to talk to her, but she feels like it is an attack on her personally.  She says she is just trying to be nice because of the kids (that aren’t even biologically hers- her ex girlfriend cheated on her with a man at least twice).  I’m not sure what to do and I’m not sure she does either.  Last night I just sat and stared, trying not to SI, trying not to cry, trying to keep my cool while she used substances –  of my triggers for SI.  (She knows this).  I guess she SI’s by using substances due to my lack of communication with her.  She said this helps HER anxiety.  Its a big mess, but I have tried so many times to help solve it.  I’m about to do the same too- but I know that will only make things worse and create more scars.  I resist but the temptation is there more than ever. 

I also am now put in the middle of her mom and her (and she’s 40).  It’s hard for her to leave her mom crying and me inside the house with her mom as she gets in the car to leave.  I want to be accepted by her family.  My girlfriend now has it in her head that her mom likes me better than her.  NOT TRUE!  A few mo’s ago her mom was scared I was going to hurt her ex’s kids and hurt them when she found out about my SI.  SHE obviously doesn’t get it either.  Drama-rama.

People don’t seem to realize the effect they have on me, even after I tell them.  They think I’m over-reacting.  It upsets me so bad.  I am on the verge of falling again.  My voice to SI last night and today is overpowering. 

My mom stopped over last night and doesn’t know about my most recent episode.  A week ago Sunday was my last SI but still is plain as day.  I had to quickly put on a jacket and pretend I was cold when I was in fact overheating in anger.  It might pass as something the cat did since it isn’t my typical SI ground, but still.  I even cancelled my physician appointment for my side pain because I was scared they would see. 

My life is being worked around now because of this SI.  I want to stop, but have so many things on my mind constantly.  I am so overwhelmed with life. 

I have a counselor but he doesn’t do me any good.  I have been searching but most don’t get it, especially the lesbian issue and all that goes with that (I still don’t as I just came out)<- one of the hardest things I have done. 

My psychiatrist just pops me pills and says here ya go.  She said that the SI isn’t too big of a deal as long as I’m not suicidal.  I also told her about my constant nagging voice and she said that if I feel better by thinking about death it’s ok if it calms me, as long as I don’t act on it.  Has anyone else been told this? 

So what to do, what to do.  I have to end this short because my girlfriend will be home any minute from dropping off her kids (which leaves me sitting here wondering what is going on between her and her ex, even in convo- even though I could go with her to drop them off).  I decided to get on here instead of hold it all in again.  I had to release and get it off my chest.  My best friend doesn’t even get it, nor does she want to.

Am I over-reacting with the ex thing??  Any thoughts on that, especially with kids involved?  (If I so much as mention my ex’s name she FLIPS and says I want to be with him- yes, I dated men before her because I wanted to be accepted).  Any thoughts on how to approach the drinking subject?  She has said she has tendencies to be an alcoholic and decreased once, but it’s tallying up again. 

I don’t want to give up on this relationship, but I’m getting bombarded with new stuff I have never had to deal with before- kids, homosexual stigma, yelling, messes from the kids everywhere, use of substances, etc.  I don’t know.  I can’t leave- I do love her so very much.  I guess maybe I’ll have to make an ultimadum….