Tonight has been particularly lonely and the urge to S.I has become overwhelming. It’s as if I’m hanging on by a thread, and every haunting memory and depressing thought is just moments from breaking this life line I have created for myself. I’ve locked myself in my room countless nights but tonight seems different, and it scares me…honestly. I have tried so hard to stay strong for months, the will to overcome such a horrible lifestyle kept me alive this long, but I sit here wondering if I can continue to hold on, literally.
I’m lonely, and the weight of years of continuous depression is breaking me in two. I feel like it’s forcing a wall in between all of the things I love, actually I think it is. My parents are constantly concerned about me, checking up on me multiple times in the day, peeking into my room with that same expression of utter desperation and fear I’ve given them. My boyfriend has become increasingly stressed out, our relationship isn’t happy anymore, and I question if it ever was…and I know that it’s all my fault. He gets scared when I freak out and cry really hard, and always asks if I S.I, but even when I do I lie about it. He cares about me so much, to let him down this way would break him.
Everyone seems to become uneasy when I ask them for help, and believe me, it’s a small handful. I don’t like asking for help, it’s a lot for someone who has never experienced real depression or S.I. Hopeless, that’s all I feel. If anyone is out there…I don’t know, it feels so empty here.