March 3rd, 2000. This is the day that began the rush of uncontrollable emotion, and, the day that turned me into a monster. Nine years has past and yet, here I am, just as hopeless as I started in the beginning. Naturally one would question if there is a chance of escaping such a sickly addiction, but I write now out of desperation; seeking help in those who can relate. I guess the retreat into my inner self started when my boyfriend of three years cheated on me with his best friend, and ultimately turned gay, ending our relationship and moving to another state as a result. At such a young age, something like that impacts more than just surface level.
I feel pathetic, writing about this after so many years…to an audience of individuals who can understand how it feels, who can understand the desperation and the loneliness, the depression and the loss of hope. I’ve been to a number of therapists and psychiatrists, tried multiple anti-depressants and natural healing methods…yet I cannot break away from this firm grasp on my life. There are moments where I feel strong and confident, where I prove to myself that months without S.I is do-able, then everything changes drastically and I’m screaming into the sheets of my bed, emotional pain overwhelming me ..and I self harm. And every burst of emotion suppresses itself and leaves me, and the cycle begins again.
I am tired of this battle, of battling the inevitable. My parents respond with anger, and my current boyfriend can’t bring himself to understand the mechanics of it all. I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, it’s been months since I’ve hurt myself but even the smallest things trigger the desire to S.I. I’m scared that I will never be happy and normal again, I want my life back…and I’m out of ideas on how to get it back.