this is the first time i have ever been on this sight. i am looking for some sort of outlet from my life here. i haven’t really realized it until tonight how long and how much i have been hurting myself. i have been injuring on and off since eighth grade and i am now a senior in high school. it started with small injuries so no one would be able to see. they were never enough to leave scars and somehow no one ever noticed.
Starting on November 1st of this year, it got worse…..but no details here, don’t want to trigger anyone. however, what i did not realize is i’ve been doing much worse than just injuring myself one way. i went onto the webstie “to write love on her arms” and found out that i’ve been injuring in several other ways. i never realized i had been doing all of these things and its been going on for as long as i can remember. now it all makes sense.
i’ve also been dealing with eating issues on and off since the seventh grade. thankfully, it has never gotten too severe but its a constant thought in my head to not control food. beginning this past summer, i’ve abuse substances too often. and even more, i throw myself at guys at parties for one night hook ups and end up feeling awful about it. i think some how it will make me feel better about myself but it never works. and mostly it just gets me into trouble.
my whole basketball team found out about my SI, yet they did nothing so i continued to do it and hide it. i probably go through twice as much makeup now just to cover up all the injuries. most of my volleyball team saw too, once again they did nothing so i continued. my dad saw but believed me when i told him my dog did it. my coaches know yet somehow i find a way to continue to lie to them and hide.
now this past weekend, i was caught in the act. i went out with friends, and they saw all of my injuries. i couldn’t go home so my friend drove my car and took me to her house. my dad found me, was told about my injuries, and took me home. i made an idiot out of myself in front of my friends, my ex-boyfriend, my crush, my friend’s mom who thought i was a good kid, my dad and my sister.
the next night, i had an intervention with three of my friends. they told me how much it hurt them, how they were there for me, and how much they wanted me to get help and stop. i told them i was not going to do it anymore and i wanted to get better. i felt great and i thought i was gonna be able to make it. i even considered throwing away all my tools. i lasted three days.
the most i have gone without SI is fourteen days after the first time i got caught. since the lapse, the longest i have gone without it is four or five days. i don’t know how to stop, i know i need help, i want help, but i feel completely trapped.
I have so much more to say, but even this has been hard to come out with. i know i need to keep talking and i really do want help from anybody. i have no one else to talk to and i can’t tell anyone i’ve started SI again. right now, this is my only outlet.