Okay, so, here’s where I’m at. I had a plan, about two weeks ago to stop completely. It worked for about nine days. That’s the longest I’ve gone yet. I was so proud of myself. But it seemed the longer I went without SIing, the weaker I got. So, I finally broke. Then, after a series of events I made the decision to stop. So, it’s been three days, and I feel really great. I feel strong.
But the thing is, today I went shopping to find an outfit for Christmas. I went with my mom. She doesn’t know about the SI, and what I could try on was very limited. It brought me to the question of why? Why did I start this in the first place? I’m not even sure. It just seemed like the logical thing to do at the time. Then, before I knew it, I was addicted. Now, it’s just a few days before Christmas, and I have marks. I have to pretend that everything is okay, that everything was okay. I have to make sure the marks are constantly covered. So, do I regret ever starting SI? Yes and no. Yes because I lost who I was, my faith, my joy, my want to live. No because I didn’t mind who I became. I didn’t mind the way it looked. I know that sounds crazy.
Now I am going to find my old self, find my old strength, and with strength from God and the people I have told, I will find it. I will get through this. I’ll just take it a day at a time, I’ll fight through the urges. I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me.