We just discovered that our daughter has recently started SI-ing. She was confronted about it during an argument last night, and it has been a long, long night. We love and don’t want to judge her, but obviously we want her to overcome the pain that is causing this. Have spent the whole morning trying to understand what this is. She is a beautiful, smart, funny girl – but we moved 1.5 years ago to get her closer to an activity that she spends a lot of time in. New high school has not been welcoming.
We love her and want to help in any way we can, I just feel so despondent that she feels she cannot come to us with this. She has never liked to talk about emotional stuff, and now I feel she’ll close us out even more. We will do anything to help her get through this. It’s been helpful reading some of these posts, but perhaps those who are or have overcome this can offer us some advice.
Thank you
Well honestly find out why she did–if you need help email ne at arbolser1@hotmail.con) I will talk to her myself if you would like. But find what she uses. How she got them. And why she did it.
I know this won’t be easy to hear but “confronting,” especially in the context of an argument sounds rough. I wonder if there’s a gentler way to go about communicating your concern to her, maybe even in writing… don’t know. Don’t know what your family dynamics are like. If you moved to get closer to an activity she sounds really driven to excel and you sound driven to support her in that. It’s great that you know how to offer support. My understanding is that it’s not uncommon for driven, overachieving types to turn to si for release. Have you read Bodily Harm? There’s a chance that all you can really do is give her space and wait for her to come to you to talk. She may need to feel in control on this one. You can insist on therapy and even if she protests she’ll likely be secretly glad and relieved. I’ve had plenty of bad therapy experiences but can’t say enough about dialectical behavioral therapy. You can read up it. I talked to one psychiatrist- this guy teaches at Harvard- and he convinced me to seek dbt out- he told me he thought it should just be part of the curriculum in high schools and I totally get why. It can be hard to find. The clinic of a teaching hospital may be your best bet. What ever you do just make sure her therapist is comfortable talking about si- if they are afraid she’ll likely pick up on that.
I have an 11 year old and si problem stemming from age 13 so I see both sides. You’re clearly a super dedicated parent. Good luck.
First of all, the fact that you want to help your daughter and care so much about her well-being is a wonderful first step. She might not realize it now, but she definitely needs you on her side.
However, as a self-injurer (and, incidentally, a daughter of parents who felt the same way that you do now), I have to point out that it’s possible she just won’t want to confide in you about this. In my case, it wasn’t that I didn’t trust my parents. It was just that confiding in them about something so personal felt extremely uncomfortable.
My suggestion is, once you’ve calmed down enough to be able to do so without letting your own emotional reaction get in the way, let your daughter know that you want to help her any way that you can. Tell her that you understand that she might not want to talk to you about it, but that you will always be open to listening if she does decide to confide in you. However, also tell her that you think it’s important that she talks to someone about her problems- even if she isn’t speaking to you about them. Make sure she knows that you will support her in any effort she makes to get better, and that you understand that she needs to do so at her own pace. And above all else, let her know again that you love her. 🙂
Best of luck.