I made some mistakes last night. But I’m going to try and look at it as a learning experience. The lesson being, no more substance abuse for me. I’m trying to break this old habit of self-injuring, and substances just weaken my defenses against it. I know that I truly do not want to self-injure anymore, but I have to keep my mind in a state where I can remember that.
I learned last night that when I give up control to substances, it’s very easy to fall back into self-injury. I guess because self-injuring has just become so natural through the years. I hope that eventually I can get to the point where self-injuring doesn’t seem so natural anymore, but for now resisting takes a lot of will power. Will power that I don’t have when I’m abusing substances.
(Anyway, again…if this is too triggering it’s cool with me if it’s not posted.)
I SI mainly when I abuse substances. I did it the other night in fact, and realized after my best friend was upset and my partner was worried to death, that I need to stop. I don’t have bad intentions but at the time, dark things end up coming out of me that are uncontrollable. Everything little thing is amplified. My daily thoughts that are in the back of my mind to SI (that usually stay there) turn into the only thing I can think about. We have a lot in common.
Stay away from your triggers!! I know it’s hard, but at least you know how to avoid it!