It has been about one month or so since I have SIed. It is the longest I have gone in a while.
A little over a month ago I made the reluctant choice to go on an anti-depressant. I have always been against the idea of medication, but with the way things were going it seemed like it was one of my last options left. And I am pleasantly surprised by the results. That edge and impulse have decreased a lot. Some things are still not great, but I don’t get in such a dark place and I don’t feel like automatically SIing.
The other day I accidentally injured myself while cooking in the kitchen. It was a complete accident, but I felt something that I haven’t felt in a while. It was a feeling I missed. But I took a moment to rationally think about how I was feeling and made a choice to not give in to any feelings and tell myself that I have come too far. I surprised myself, and actually did not want to SI or anything like it. I am finding that it is a choice. I do have the option to SI or not to SI. And for once, in the 12 years I have been SIing, I am choosing not to.
Life still has those brief dark moments, and things get stressful and lonely still, but I am able to see the happier things more than the bad things. The dark moments will pass and it will be a new day. I am blessed and grateful to be where I am in life. I am beginning to see that SI should not be a part of it. My body has been through enough, and it shows all over.
Sometimes it is hard, but I have decided not to give up on myself and life. I have found some hope. I realize that this new attitude may be temporary, but I am holding on to it as long as I can. Maybe all those who are struggling right now can find some hope too.