Almost a year ago I SIed for the first time, because my parents had a huge fight and I was sick of it. They fight all the time. I tried it, and I liked it. I kept SIing for a while but it was never bad at all. I was scared of SIing. I didn’t SI the whole summer, through September, October… NOVEMBER!!
In November I SIed again, because my parents were fighting and I was all depressed.
I was texting my best friend and she asked me, “what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” I had been wanting to tell her for a while. I just didn’t know how. I had to tell her now. I explained to her how I had SIed a little bit during the winter but didn’t during the summer because I was going to take a lot of trips with people and I didn’t want them to find out. I explained how I hadn’t SIed in a while and I was happy about that. She was glad too. She told me that she had tried once but chickened out. I was happy she understood. But after I told her, I SIed.
My parents fought more…
Then one night I felt like I could really trust a youth leader at my church. I explained to her my WHOLE story. She promised me she’d keep her mouth shut but she told my mom. I told my mom I didn’t want her to tell anyone, not even my dad. She told my dad, even though I told her I wasn’t ready for dad to know. Dad might have told someone, I don’t know. He doesn’t have a mentor that he can trust. When mom told dad that I SIed, we got into a HUGE fight. But by then I felt my secret was out so I had stopped SIing in one area and moved to an area where no one could see. I lied to everyone but my best friend about it. She started SIing ’cause I was. 🙁
Day by day my parents fighting got worse, day by day my SIing got worse. All within a couple of weeks pretty much. It hasn’t been that long since I told the youth leader I thought I could trust. I haven’t spoken with her since then.
My mom suggested I go see a therapist. I felt like an idiot for her saying that. I didn’t want to go. But I talked to my older brother who knows exactly where I’m coming from and he wants me to see a therapist. He said that in the direction I’m going things are only going to get worse… WAY worse. He told me he is seeing a therapist and that they are like a professional friend. It makes me a little bit more comfortable that they are bound by law not to talk about me. But I’m still afraid they’ll slip up.
Today was my parents anniversary and they had one of the biggest fights they’ve had in a while. Now I think they’re actually separating. They’ve threatened to before but never followed through. This time it seems real. I SIed when they were fighting (the original cause of my SIing). I don’t know what I’m going to do because they haven’t said anything about seeing a therapist in over a week…
My problem is a lot worse than I ever thought it could be. I really want help. That’s why I told people I thought I could trust. I’m just so afraid of what I might do to myself if I don’t fix this problem… now.