I don’t understand when people say stuff like “it’s stupid to self-injure because there are so many people in the world who have it worse”. I mean, i am painfully aware of that. One of the (numerous) things that have caused me to s.i. is the fact that there are so many things in this world that are just incomprehensibly wrong, wrong, wrong. I don’t understand it and i don’t feel like there’s anything i can do to make it better, so i used to s.i. because when i s.i.-ed it seemed like everything else went away. I just don’t understand how the knowledge that others have it worse than me is supposed to make me feel better.
But one of my goals for 2010 is to get involved with some kind of charity in my town so i can share some of my many blessings in life with people who haven’t had it so good. I’m also kinda hoping it will help me recover from s.i., hoping that actually doing something to improve some of the world’s injustices will make me feel less powerless and less in need of s.i. Maybe that’s kind of a selfish reason to be kind? Oh well. One thing i’m starting to understand is that there isn’t anything wrong with showing a little respect for myself too, and looking out for my own well being. If i don’t respect myself then i feel more and more powerless, and that just goes into a downward spiral where i don’t really do any good for myself or others. What i really want in life is to help people, but i can’t do that unless i recognize that i am a legitimate human being and therefore my principles and ideas matter.
Saturday will be a month w/out s.i. for me. I really think i might be able to keep it going this time. I actually started seeing a counselor like my best friend and some of you on this site suggested, and he has been surprisingly helpful. He gave me a lot to think about and helped me to understand some of the inner conflicts and past issues that were causing me to s.i. Thinking about everything that went along with s.i., rather than just blocking out those thoughts by s.i.-ing, has turned out to be a GOOD thing…even though it’s what i was most afraid of. I just needed to have the right people around to help me do that without being triggered. So if anyone out there isn’t sure about getting help, i can’t speak for anyone else but it has actually helped me so far. And i was really reluctant about it…just ask my best friend. hehe. I think part of the reason why i was so reluctant was because i’ve had bad experiences in the past where i was forced to get help. But this time i really wanted it, and that made a huge difference.
Anyways…just another long post blabbing and thinking about my silly little life. Blah blah blah me me me. I don’t really talk to anyone about this stuff though (except for that couselor now…) so it’s refreshing to put it out there, i guess. I can’t believe how optimistic i’ve felt lately…i almost feel guilty about it…but knowing life, it won’t last. So i’ll just enjoy it for all it’s worth, while it’s still here. Take care, everyone. Hope you all are doing okay. And if anyone actually read this “novel” i wrote here…thank you. 🙂