I don’t understand when people say stuff like “it’s stupid to self-injure because there are so many people in the world who have it worse”. I mean, i am painfully aware of that. One of the (numerous) things that have caused me to s.i. is the fact that there are so many things in this world that are just incomprehensibly wrong, wrong, wrong. I don’t understand it and i don’t feel like there’s anything i can do to make it better, so i used to s.i. because when i s.i.-ed it seemed like everything else went away. I just don’t understand how the knowledge that others have it worse than me is supposed to make me feel better.
But one of my goals for 2010 is to get involved with some kind of charity in my town so i can share some of my many blessings in life with people who haven’t had it so good. I’m also kinda hoping it will help me recover from s.i., hoping that actually doing something to improve some of the world’s injustices will make me feel less powerless and less in need of s.i. Maybe that’s kind of a selfish reason to be kind? Oh well. One thing i’m starting to understand is that there isn’t anything wrong with showing a little respect for myself too, and looking out for my own well being. If i don’t respect myself then i feel more and more powerless, and that just goes into a downward spiral where i don’t really do any good for myself or others. What i really want in life is to help people, but i can’t do that unless i recognize that i am a legitimate human being and therefore my principles and ideas matter.
Saturday will be a month w/out s.i. for me. I really think i might be able to keep it going this time. I actually started seeing a counselor like my best friend and some of you on this site suggested, and he has been surprisingly helpful. He gave me a lot to think about and helped me to understand some of the inner conflicts and past issues that were causing me to s.i. Thinking about everything that went along with s.i., rather than just blocking out those thoughts by s.i.-ing, has turned out to be a GOOD thing…even though it’s what i was most afraid of. I just needed to have the right people around to help me do that without being triggered. So if anyone out there isn’t sure about getting help, i can’t speak for anyone else but it has actually helped me so far. And i was really reluctant about it…just ask my best friend. hehe. I think part of the reason why i was so reluctant was because i’ve had bad experiences in the past where i was forced to get help. But this time i really wanted it, and that made a huge difference.
Anyways…just another long post blabbing and thinking about my silly little life. Blah blah blah me me me. I don’t really talk to anyone about this stuff though (except for that couselor now…) so it’s refreshing to put it out there, i guess. I can’t believe how optimistic i’ve felt lately…i almost feel guilty about it…but knowing life, it won’t last. So i’ll just enjoy it for all it’s worth, while it’s still here. Take care, everyone. Hope you all are doing okay. And if anyone actually read this “novel” i wrote here…thank you. 🙂
hey there,
it’s quite refreshing to read your “novel”, =) i have been thinking of many of the same sentiments and its great to see that your positive and that the Universe is bringing a wave toward the future on less choppy waves, you deserve it i’m sure. whatever reason you decide to do charity is never selfish, since the catalyst that makes you connect, share, open up to and benefit another human being on this Earth is the best reason ever. anyhoo i am rambling now too lol and aplogies for not bothering to capitalize anything i am being lazy. keep up the good cheers.
p.l.u.r
Please don’t apologize for writing things out. If you have to judge it in some way judge it as good- not bad. I’m in a dbt program (a therapy used a lot for people who si) and one of the “skills” we learn is to “contribute” to counter bad feelings about oneself. Volunteering sounds like a great idea. Another skill is to compare yourself to others who have it worse- I didn’t get that at first- it just made me feel guilty but now I can sometimes see it- in just this through the corner of my eye way that can give me a sense of pride in what I have been able to accomplish in life instead of being focused on all the failures. I’ve struggled with the selfish to be kind thought too. In my family I’m called selfish a lot. But just because someone says that it doesn’t mean it’s true. It’s been two months for me and I feel more aware of my emotions. The si doesn’t feel like it comes from nowhere and attacks me- I can see the (in my case) anger that it’s related to. Things aren’t even. Sometimes I feel as good as you seem to in the post. Right now I’m wondering if it’s safe for me to stay awake but I know that I’ll choose to just go to sleep over hurting myself if I can’t take it. One thing that’s helped me deal with the ups and downs is something my t told me- that if things do get rocky it might feel like I’m back in a place I thought I had gotten out of but it’s not like that. It’s more like a spiral and you might be back facing the same direction but really you’re not in the same place you where because you’ve done all this traveling between then and now.