Today was great except the freezing cold outside that I had to work in. I walk dogs right now for a living at an animal hospital. Besides that I’ve been feeling okay lately. I’m still depressed, but I’m making it through my hardships. My girl is still in the hospital cuz of alcohol poisoning, but I’m alright. I hope she opens her eyese and see that she could kill herself the rate she is going. WE broke up two weeks ago, so it’s been hard and even moreso since she’s in the hospital, but like I said I’m alright. I have faith that God will take care of her and hopefully she’ll find the rooms of an anonymous program like I did. Then, just maybe we could be together again, but for now we’re not. I don’t want to fall off again and relapse. I also don’t want to SI again. It’s been 2 weeks since I did SI. I’m doing good. But the urges are crazy! But for now I ignore them.
I’ve been focusing on my school work, running, and finding a second job. I need a second job badly cuz my work only gives me ten hrs a week right now cuz we have no business. It sux, especially since I’m behind in rent (I live at a recovery home) and they told me I need to catch up on rent soon if I want to still live here. That’s a hard one to swallow since I’ve been job hunting and giving most of my checks towards rent. I just don’t make enough right now. But I have faith in God that His will will prevail. I would have no where to go if I leave here except my dad’s house, but that’s relapse for sure for me. All my old using buddies live by my dad and I don’t want to get involved with them ever again. I’ve gone to far to fall again into that lifestyle. So I’m holding my head up high for now, since if I get all mopey about this, I’ll never find a job and I will be listening to that unhealthy voice again. Don’t wanna go there, won’t go there, not today anyway!
Anyhow, I have a question for yall, have you ever had days where you didn’t want to call your support system or didn’t want to use healthy coping skills? What do you do when this happens? Do you go somewhere safe? I get to this point sometimes and I usually engage in SI. What do you do when you don’t care about the negatives effects of SI or other self destructive behaviors? I sometimes get in this type of mood too where I don’t care and my sponsor tells me to play the tape through, like what would happen if I did SI or use again, but sometimes I don’t care what the tape has on it. Any thoughts?