I don’t get when people say don’t get caught up in the past or just let it go. That is one of my top strategies, problem is that it doesn’t last.. I hear this as well as people saying not to bury my feelings and I need to open up so I can work through things.. Am I the only one who see’s the contradiction there? I’m failing math and it hurts so bad that I can’t take it anymore- so I think I have to “accept it and move on”, and this works temporarily. I think of the positives; I can take it next semester and do really well, etc. But soon enough it creeps up and I keep thinking about how I screwed it all up, how if I had done x, y, and z then I would be passing and I could be done with math, how now I’m behind in my courses, how if I wasn’t always procrastinating…. on ans on.  And the self hate is back again, all my regret and anger and shame.

In all honesty its the relationship stuff that really got me going last night. I was consumed by it from 5pm until 3am when I fell asleep. I never even got dressed. An on going argument about him going out (to clubs around the corner from my house and 30 min away from his) and not omitting details of where he is until I ask “are you going clubbing?/Were you clubbing?” when he knew I was home and bored. My mind started spinning, first with rage and disdain for him lying and not wanting me to be there. Then with fear that he was sick of me or maybe going without me so he could flirt and dance with other girls. Then I turned it on myself for probably being such a pain that I ruin it when I go. And that he’s omitting because he doesnt want to say I dont want you here, you ruin it. I hate myself for pushing him away and acting so erratic that he must think I lost my mind. Who wants to date a psycho? So I SIed, because I felt like I ruined everything and that anything I do to fix it will just look crazier and crazier.

when he comes over he will see it, he will be disappointed in me, and I will try to explain. He will think I’m irrational and allowing myself to get that worked up. I will feel patronized and judged and regret ever saying a word.

At the end of last night I hated myself for being such a horrible person to be with (therefore causing the club problem), when I woke up today I felt pretty much cleared of it, I didnt feel anything one way or the other- I let it go. But then I got a text from him, saying he overslept… My first thoughts? Well you were out until 3am, what do you expect? And then I felt irritated at him, for reminding me and seeming pretty unconcerned with how I felt about last night. Then all the betrayal and resentment washed up, like the beginning of last night;  I was ready to fight, thinking of how I’m in the right and he’s a manipulative jerk. Then I realized I was cycling into it and I saw that I was heading back down that road. So I said let it go, let it go.  But the abandonment and rejection keep demanding attention, screaming at me HE DOESN’T WANT YOU THERE and HE LIED TO YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN and THIS WONT BE THE LAST TIME HE DOES THIS! and  WHY DID HE START DOING THIS? The thoughts barge in and i get that feeling when you’re flying down the first hill of a roller coaster, my heart drops and my heart skips and my stomach turns. I can’t escape it. I feel so rejected.