I’ve been tempted to s.i. for a couple days now, but so far i haven’t. I noticed a few objects around my house that could easily be used as tools…and i kept thinking about using them. There’s a part of me that thinks i still haven’t been punished enough and i deserve more injuries. I’m trying not to listen to that part, because i know that if i go down that road i’ll keep thinking i need to hurt myself more and more — an injury for every mistake i make. I really don’t want to go back there again.
Today, I accidentally damaged a piece of merchandise at the store where I work. I offered to buy it, but my manager said not to worry about it. I felt bad about it and started to think about self-injuring. And then it occurred to me that this mistake was of very little consequence…but even if i did mess up big-time, my coworkers wouldn’t want me to injure over it. I’m a person. I am worth more than an inanimate object.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to make everything around me perfect, trying to do everything right and make everyone happy. And frankly, i haven’t done a very good job of any of those things … because, unfortunately, it’s impossible to get through life without hurting some people sometimes and making some mistakes. I can’t see the future — sometimes, there will be errors in my judgment. And yet i punish myself for my errors as if i intended them all along.
On a related note … i’ve also spent my whole life thinking that everything around me is of more value than i am. Even some silly piece of merchandise i damaged at work. I was raised to be “unselfish” — to not talk, think, or worry about myself (in retrospect, that looks kind of ridiculous. of course it’s important to care about others, but that doesn’t have to mean not taking care of myself).
Somehow, i turned “unselfishness” into the notion that everything else is worth more than me. I thought that every time i made a mistake, i deserved to suffer for it because whatever i messed up was more important than i was. I thought that i was only worth something when i was successful, and when i messed up i wasn’t worth anything.
Maybe that’s not true though. I’m a person with the same natural rights as any other. I have the ability to make the world a better place. Don’t those things — all by themselves — make me worth something? For so long i’ve assumed that all the tough things that happened to me in the past were just proof that i wasn’t worth squat. I’m just starting to think maybe there’s another way of looking at things…
Anyway … this post turned out way longer than i expected. These are just thoughts which are still in progress. I feel kinda self-centered and rude for even posting them (maybe it’s the old strict upbringing coming back to haunt me again…hehe).