it’s been 3 years since i started SI. and it definitely hasn’t gotten any better. if anything, it’s gotten worse. i’ve lost every notion of SI being something i shouldn’t do. and i refuse to confide in anyone cuz i’m afraid to lose my friends.

and all the school pressure and whatnot is definitely not helping. i haven’t gotten more than 3 hrs of sleep a night and i’ve basically failed every test i’ve taken in the past couple of months. my grades are falling fast. i’m working on med school applications, and my low grades are definitely not working for me. i’m trying to decide if i actually want to go to med school. my whole winter break is gone because i have to read a whole bio book for some class i’ll be providing supplemental instruction for next semester. i also have to study for the mcat again during my winter break because my mom was highly unsatisfied with my score, even though it’s above the average score and close enough to what i was aiming for. i’m pretty sure i have zero chance of getting into med school and no back up plans whatsoever.

i’ve been SI’ing to deal with all this stress but that’s just added more stress. i keep racking my brain for a believable story i can dish out when someone sees my injuries and asks me what happened. i’m super self conscious of what i wear and how i move cuz i can’t let my mom see my scars and find out that i’ve been SI’ing again. i keep searching for some way to get rid of this habit but i don’t know where to turn. i can’t ask my friends for help cuz i’m scared of how the ones that don’t know will react and i don’t wanna lose the ones that do know. i’ve just been relying on myself to get through this…and it’s clearly not working. the smallest thing that goes wrong will cause some sort of trigger in my head and my thoughts go straight to SI. and i won’t be able to focus until i’ve gone through with it. then i spend half an hour crying, which makes me even more tired, which makes me fall asleep while studying, which makes me fail my tests. and the cycle repeats itself like a daily routine.

i’m tired of this and i desperately need a way out. i’ve tried friends, psychiatrists, self treatment, online chats, books, other coping mechanisms. nothing’s worked. next semester is gonna be rough and i’m honestly scared of what will happen and how i’ll deal with it.