So I have a nightly meditation book that I read and journal on. The reading for tonight really got me thinking. Things have been so crappy right now and I’ve been so depressed, and it’s starting to drive me crazy. No one knows how I really feel, they just assume I’m happy. What, just because I’m not laying in bed crying means I’m not depressed? Yeah right. Anyway…here’s what I wrote:
“A great obstacle to happiness is to expect too much happiness.” — Fontenelle
I think my problem is that I don’t expect enough happiness. To quote Charlie Brown: “I think that I’m afraid to be happy, ’cause whenever I get too happy, something bad happens.” Whenever I get happy, something bad always happens shortly after. It’s too risky to be happy. I’ve been hurt too many times, I can’t take it much more. I’m not supposed to injure myself, so how am I supposed to cope? I can’t live with these feelings forever, and that’s how it feels. It feels like forever. I don’t have the $ to go back to Menninger, I don’t have any inpatient days left to go back to the hospital and there’s no inpatient SAFE program right now (I’m on the list though). What am I supposed to do? I’m sick of being miserable and having to hide it. No one can know how badly I want to injure. Well, no one other than Amy (my therapist). No, I’m supposed to be “better” now. Well, I’m not. I can’t stand being hurt anymore, I don’t have the fight left in me…
I just want to injure so badly. And I’ve been struggling really badly lately with my old ED tendencies. It’s weird because it had been dormant since my freshman year of college, and now all of the sudden it just popped back up, and it came back with a vengeance.
I guess there’s just so many things in my life I can’t control right now. I can’t control school (granted, there’s less than a month left), I can’t control how things go with my ex (stupidly, I still love him, even after what he did to me), I can’t (really) control my living situation, I can’t even control my happiness…but I can control hurting myself.
I sound like a psycho.
I’m just getting more and more miserable. I want to injure, but I can’t. First problem is my roommate, second problem is lack of “tools”. I already took my sleeping medication and can’t go anywhere…guess I’ll just have to suck it up for tonight. I can’t even call the crisis line because my roommate is trying to fall asleep (unless I want to sit on the porch — it currently feels like 32* out) and there’s nowhere in this tiny apartment I can go to have a private conversation. This sucks.
Thankfully I’m getting out of this awful town tomorrow. Get to spend a little time with my dad, stepmom and all of her family. Maybe that will help a little bit…
Sorry for rambling. Even if I can’t SI (at least for tonight), if I can’t call the crisis line (or anyone for that matter), I can’t go take a drive, I can at least post on here. I do feel slightly better, for what it’s worth.