Hi everyone. I injured myself again the other day. It felt good & made me feel better for a while. My only thing is now that I have to hide it from my fiancé because I know he would end our relationship if he found out. I still can’t stop thinking about the fact that he wants me to move out. I think it may have been out of frustration but it made me really sad. We’ve been together for 5 years and to think that finances are going to cause us to break up just kills me.
I SI’d when I was a teenager then went like 10 years without doing it. This past summer I was admitted to an inpatient treatment facility for the first time in my life. (I’m 26) I’ve been a ballerina my whole life & have struggled with mental illness since I was a teenager. My first year as a RN was draining me & I was struggling with addiction as well. I also nursed my fiances grandfather until he took his last breath. It was so sad & draining. I guess a breakdown was inevitable. I took a leave of absence from work & got treatment. I’m doing better with ED behaviors now but my desire to SI isn’t going away. This whole situation has really screwed up my life.
I’ve said in previous entries that my financial situation is aweful & it’s very difficult for me to find a job as a RN right now. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so out of control of my life right now. I miss the way it was.
I feel for those of you struggling with illness, boyfriends, breakups, ED, addiction, death… The list could go on & on. It is a good thing to be able to vent to people who understand.
I’m not sorry that I did it again, I felt so much better. I want to do it again but the scars are getting to me & my SI continues. How do you explain all the scars to people who don’t get it? It makes me feel ashamed. This weekend I spent a lot of time with friends & my anxiety was through the roof. Im trying to be strong & confident that I’m a good person & people love me but it’s hard. Why is everything so difficult?! Ugh! I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to run back to old familiar behaviors but I’m fighting against them for now. I’m getting weaker by the day. It’s very sad but using this blog makes me feel less alone. Thanx everyone.