Hi everyone, my name is Caitie and I’m new here. I just want to post somewhere safe where I know people won’t judge me.

I’ve been self-injuring since I was 12 (I’m now 21), and as many times as I’ve tried to quit, I can never seem to stop for more than about six months. I’ve also struggled (and am currently struggling with) an eating disorder, and I’ve also dealt with addiction.

Things have been extremely tough lately and I have been having very frequent urges to injure. The 19th of last month I was diagnosed with strep throat. Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with a kidney infection. Then, on the 11th of this month, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. A few days ago I was diagnosed with a secondary lung infection. I’ve been sick pretty much for the last month straight. I’ve missed a ton of class and am having trouble getting caught up. Granted, all my professors have been really helpful about giving me extensions, but it’s still stressful.

I’m also under a lot of stress with school because I am getting ready to apply for the school of Social Work. It’s kind of a long story, but basically I have two more math classes I need to finish. If I don’t finish them by the fall, I won’t be able to start in the school of Social Work in the fall, I will have to wait another year to begin. That would mean another three years of school. I don’t even have enough gen-ed credits left to fill an entire year, but since you can only start in the school of Social Work in the fall semester, I wouldn’t have many options. My only real choice right now is to take math 116 next semester (which is what I’m enrolled in) and then take math 117 over the summer, or wait another year to start in the school of SW. I’d like to not be in school the rest of my life, you know?

The biggest thing though, is that I recently broke up with my boyfriend. We broke up three days before our six-month anniversary. I found some conversations between him and the girl that had been my best friend for 18 years. They were very involved.  When I found the original conversation, he told me it had been a one-time thing. I thought we could deal with it. I ended up in the hospital for anxiety, and even while I was in the hospital, they kept things going. I got out and confronted her, and she finally admitted everything. I also found a bunch of conversations on her phone. That night (the day after I got out of the hospital), I broke up with him. Since then, I’ve been miserable. I knew it would happen. I was pretty miserable with everything that had been going on, but I’m just as miserable without him. Everything reminds me of him (especially since we had been living together). We are trying to stay friends, and he says he wants to try and work towards eventually getting back together, but I don’t know whether or not to believe him. And even if we did get back together, I don’t think I could trust him. If I called him and he didn’t answer his phone, I know I’d end up freaking out, thinking, “he’s out cheating on me!”. Even though nothing physical happened between the two of them, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I’ve just been so overwhelmed and I feel like I can’t handle it. Between being sick, breaking up with him, and trying to catch up in school, I feel like I’m trying to keep my head above water, and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I have been having very frequent urges to injure myself. I have have also injured in other ways. I am in therapy, but that’s only once a week. That means there’s still six days a week I have to fend for myself, on my own.

I guess I’m rambling at this point. I just needed to get all of this off my chest. I don’t really have anyone (other than my therapist) that I can talk to about this stuff, and it’s nice to be able to talk to people who understand self-injury and won’t judge me because of it. I’d like to reach out to other people who self-injure. I’d also like to try and find some people around my age who self-injure.

Anyway, I guess I’m done. I hope everyone is doing okay and I hope everyone has a good rest of the evening.

~Caitie