So yesterday I managed not to SI, but I did it tonight. I like the feeling again. Plus it’s helping me deal with my life. See lately it’s been so hard to just live my life. My sister is dying, my GF is using(I’m a recovering addict), my hours at work have been reduced so bad I can’t live on what I make anymore. I live in a recovery home, so they won’t kick me out cuz I can’t pay, so I’ve been looking for another job everyday. I’m just so stressed, plus I gotta focus on school too. Also I have no one, besides my counselor to talk to about SI. I’m scaring myself cuz I wanna SI. I don’t know what to do, I mean three days ago I hadn’t SI in 8 months(I blew it). I don’t want this SI back in my life, but I just don’t care now. I don’t really care nemore, but deep inside I do. I mean I wanna be a role model, I’m going to school to be a clinical Psychologist. To me my drug addiction is just like SI, so I did relapse just not on drugs. I have so many coping skills it’s insane and I was using them daily until three days ago and they just seemed not to work. And I see my GF using and engaing in ED so I am like she’s doing that so whats the big deal if I secretly SI again. Thats n ot the attitude I should have. Also lately I’ve been engaging in my ED again. How do I get back on track? Also I don’t wanna tell my counselor either, when I know I should. I wanna continue my secret life of SI. But then again I dont. It’s an internal battle and the negative voice is winning right now. Plus I’m so ashamed that I SI again. Thats one thing keeping me from sharing this with anyone close to me or my counselor. My other dilema is that I’m working the 12 steps with my sponsor and HONESTY is one of the keys to staying clean. How do I get HONEST again? And how do I get back on the horse?
I know how hard it is to stay stong in the battle against S.I because it’s like you just want it to so bad, some small form of release. But you KNOW it’s not right. Not, allowed. I am proud of you that you’re getting clean from your addiction. S.I is an addiction too, maybe replacing one for the other? You really should talk to your counselor or maybe just try to find anyone that you can trust. It’s so hard to do that, but it makes such a big difference. I just recently “relapsed”, I suppose, with my S.I too so I know how you’re feeling. You and your gf’s relationship must be really difficult as far as you having all these things to deal with, and then her having all these things that it doesn’t even seem like she wants to deal with. It makes it extremely hard to get clean and stay that way when you’re surrouned by other people who aren’t. Just try your best and be open. All you can ask for is to be able to get through the struggle day by day, and it’s so much easier if you can just let go and talk.
Hey there,
The fact you recognize your coping skills and want to change them is a great step and staying clean from drugs is more than some do in a lifetime. you should be proud of what you have done. I think we, that SI have a tendancy to go high speed in our own vicious cycles of self anger, loathing, etc. and we need to credit ourselves for our stengths too. keep your head up, keep thinking, keep writing, keep reaching. sometimes the horse is going throught its own thing and kicks us off over and over. u can only tame the beast within you. keep your head up. =)