Today is just another empty day. No job (I’m a RN), no money, and a fiancé who said he wants me to move back in with my parents because he can’t afford to support 2 people. He’s unemployed as well but able to collect unemployment which isn’t much but it’s what we live on. I took a leave of absence back in May to get treatment for my eating disorder which took up a few months and ended up losing my position at the hospital but they’re keeping me on extended leave. Basically screwing me because I can’t collect while I’m on a leave. I feel like my days are full of nothing and it makes me want to sleep it all away. There’s nothing to get up for. As I have said, I feel stuck. I could move back to my parents house they’d welcome me with open arms but I’ve worked for this apartment, my relationship, my dog.. Everything I have. Now it feels like I have nothing.
Last night my fiancé said he wants me to move out but today it’s like nothing happened like nothing was said. A part of me wants to go but I also feel like I should keep fighting. I’m Told that I’m stronger than I believe I am but this situation is weighing on me more and more every day. I want to SI today. I haven’t but I really want to. Each day that I continue on this path the urges get stronger. I am trying to make a decision to stay or go but I can’t bring myself to make a change. I’m not good with change. I just don’t know how much longer I can live like this. Everyday feels like a waste and everyday I feel alone in my battle against SI. I am glad I found this blog because people understand what it’s like and I appreciate the comments. My SI just scares the people I care about and those who care for me so it’s hard to reach out.
I’m just fighting to keep myself from injuring today. So far so good but I have a lot more alone time tonight. My fiancé and I are stuck in the apartment together most of the time but even when he’s in the next room I still feel alone. For me alone time is vulnerable time and I don’t know what to do with my feelings or the racing thoughts in my head. Another day of emptiness, anxiety and fear. But I’m still fighting the urges!