Today is just another empty day. No job (I’m a RN), no money, and a fiancé who said he wants me to move back in with my parents because he can’t afford to support 2 people. He’s unemployed as well but able to collect unemployment which isn’t much but it’s what we live on. I took a leave of absence back in May to get treatment for my eating disorder which took up a few months and ended up losing my position at the hospital but they’re keeping me on extended leave. Basically screwing me because I can’t collect while I’m on a leave. I feel like my days are full of nothing and it makes me want to sleep it all away. There’s nothing to get up for. As I have said, I feel stuck. I could move back to my parents house they’d welcome me with open arms but I’ve worked for this apartment, my relationship, my dog.. Everything I have. Now it feels like I have nothing.
Last night my fiancé said he wants me to move out but today it’s like nothing happened like nothing was said. A part of me wants to go but I also feel like I should keep fighting. I’m Told that I’m stronger than I believe I am but this situation is weighing on me more and more every day. I want to SI today. I haven’t but I really want to. Each day that I continue on this path the urges get stronger. I am trying to make a decision to stay or go but I can’t bring myself to make a change. I’m not good with change. I just don’t know how much longer I can live like this. Everyday feels like a waste and everyday I feel alone in my battle against SI. I am glad I found this blog because people understand what it’s like and I appreciate the comments. My SI just scares the people I care about and those who care for me so it’s hard to reach out.
I’m just fighting to keep myself from injuring today. So far so good but I have a lot more alone time tonight. My fiancé and I are stuck in the apartment together most of the time but even when he’s in the next room I still feel alone. For me alone time is vulnerable time and I don’t know what to do with my feelings or the racing thoughts in my head. Another day of emptiness, anxiety and fear. But I’m still fighting the urges!
I hope your fiance’s statements were out of frustration. I can’t relate as much as others probably can, but I know that whatever environment would offer you the most support is probably where you need to be. If/when you feel you’re ready to return to work and if your current employers won’t take you back, maybe consider applying somewhere else. RN’s are in high demand, at least they are here. I think it’s fantastic you were able to get through school with so much going on with your life. I know a lot of people, including myself that have had the stressors in their life prevent them from finishing their degree. I hope things improve, and keep fighting the good fight.
Keep on fighting! It’s so hard I know cuz I gave in after 8 months of not SI. Do whatever will help you get better. Live with people who are healthy and supportive. I get ya on the “no one gets SI” cuz they always get freaked out thats y I just talk about SI to my counselor. I guess after reading this I’m gonna tell my counselor that I did give in.