I’ve always thought that whenever I make any kind of mistake, I bring something bad and ugly into the world. I know that all kinds of mistakes are just a part of life…and yet there’s this part of me that just won’t accept them. Even though I find it easy to forgive others, I don’t know how to forgive myself for things that happened years ago and don’t really matter anymore. I think that’s one thing that makes me want to injure. It gets rid of that nagging feeling of wrong-ness inside of me. I wish I knew another way to get rid of it. I get this same nagging feeling when things are disorganized, like if something is in the wrong place in the refrigerator. It feels like something is off in my head. I wish that everything (including me) were logical and organized. I wish I could move on from all these stupid & irrelevant things I keep torturing myself over. I probably sound like a total weirdo here… 🙁
you don’t sound weird at all…if i could put the way i felt about making mistakes into words, i would say it exactly as you did. like you said, it’s easier for me to forgive others than it is for me to forgive myself. it’s hard for me to let go of things and just let them be.
you are worth your own forgiveness.
<3
I can relate exactly to what you mean. I still think about things that I said in the 2nd grade that unintentionally hurt someones feelings and still feel horrible about it (and I am in my late 20s now!) I have struggled a lot with the same thing. It has helped me a bit to put things in perspective. For instance does that person even remember what I said? How would I react if the situation was reversed? Is it really that big of a deal? And then if I make a mistake and do all that I can to correct it and someone is still upset, then it is their choice, and their “problem” to feel/act that way.
You can’t beat yourself up forever.
“It gets rid of that nagging feeling of wrong-ness inside of me.”
I can relate. That was how I started self-harm in the first place, a feeling that I was bad and since I couldn’t go back in time and be better, at least I could do something now by punishing myself.
I am a substitute teacher and yesterday I was in a 3rd grade room. The teacher had put bright cards up around the room with nice sayings on them and one read:
Oops, accidently posted that!
Anyway, it read:
“It is both normal and appropriate to make mistakes.”
I think I want that tatooed on my brain 🙂