I am truely ashamed of my behavior, or lack of behaviout. I work in a hospital emergency room. And I’ve seen several people who harm themselves. And it kinda hurts, you know deep down you feel bad and wish you could let them know that their not alone, and try to help them. But when I was there yesterday, an ambulance was called to get a girl who hurt herself. She had injuries. I felt really bad for her, but legally, I couldn’t say anything. They had her strapped to the bed, so she wouldn’t hurt herself or others. They had police officers at her door. It was hard for me to see someone in a position I have been in so many times, and not be able to help. They just got her cleaned up and sedated and sent her to the psyche ward. Sadly, I’ve seen that a couple times. But what made this one worse was the fact that the doctor that she got was very opinionated. I don’t like him, and I usually try to ignore him. But it was impossible in that case. Because he felt it was necessary to tell everyone his opinion on the girl. He kept saying how she was crazy, and how anyone like that should be locked up. I really wanted to stand up for her and say something, because I know that if I couldn’t speak for myself, I would want someone to. But I just couldn’t find the strength to tell these people that I have to work with, something that would sound crazy to them. I know it was selfish, I shouldn’t have put my own pride before what that girl needed. But I did, and I feel horrible about it, and I always will regret not saying anything.
To anyone who has been in a position like that girl, I am sorry. I have been there too; I’ve just never been strong enough to tell anyone. I apologize to anyone who has ever needed someone to stand up for them, and ended up with some weakling like me, who stood by and did nothing.
hello.
my heart goes out to you. i have had many situations before (not SI related) where i should have said something and didn’t. but you shouldn’t call yourself a weakling and be hard on yourself. i have felt similar shame and right now i am letting it rule my life through SI. (it makes me sick just thinking of all the shame i’ve put on myself)…so try your best not to think of your actions as shameful or as if you’re the only one who does not always have the courage to stand up for others.
courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the realization that something is bigger and more important than your fear. you are more important than your shame and fear, just as i am. i hope we can both see that clearly for ourselves soon.
you are loved and worthy of loving yourself. i know that had to be such a hard situation to stand there and be worried for her and yourself at the same time. just because you did not stand up for her doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. it is people like that doctor who are negative and say things like “people who SI should all be locked away” that makes us so scared to face ourselves because of ridicule.
try to take care and not be so hard on yourself.
you are a good person.
<3
L