I’ve had a really tough couple of days. And I know its going to get worse. It all started Saturday. I worked from one until ten. It was stressful. And after being yelled at and corrected for the millionth time by the millionth person, I gave in. I took my 15 minute break and went to the bathroom and hurt myself. At the time, it felt so good, it helped so much. But now it seems so stupid. I had been nearly a month without si, and I let myself go over a couple of co-workers that think they are better than me. And when I got off, I was driving one of my friends home, and I got pulled over. I’ve had my license all of 3 days, and I got my first ticket. It’s not that much and I can pay it myself, but if my mom finds out, I get it taken away until I’m 18.
I had made a religious decision months ago, that I feel is right. And I’ve been trying to deal with my family on the matter, since none of them see it my way, it’s hard. My decision to go to church today resulted in a 7 hour screaming fight last night. I got up with about and hour and a half of sleep and drove 40 minutes to a church, which I loved. But my family is not talking to me because of it. I got home at like 1 and spent the rest of my day listening to my little sister cry. I held her in my arms and told her everything would be okay, even though I’m not sure it will be. She’s worried about me, I guess she could hear the fight last night (no surprise) and she knows that my parents want to disown me. I’m the oldest and kind of tend to raise the younger ones, so she’s scared. She begged me to just stay home, like my parents want. I told her that I couldn’t do that. I told her that I feel that this is something that I have to do, no matter how hard it is on me. I want so bad for this not to hurt them, but I know it does.
I also told my sister that I’m very depressed. Which she was surprised by, and that hurts, because anyone who knows me, wouldn’t be surprised. I feel like I’m letting her down. She told me that I had been doing so well, and then I was down again. She said that she used to see something in my eyes that hurt to see and for the past couple weeks, it’s been gone, but after Saturday night, it was back. I know what she means; it’s the look of hatred toward the whole world. It’s the look of agonizing pain. It’s the look of an abuse victim. It’s the look of a lost soul. It’s the look of depression….