Alrighty, so I’m not exactly used to ranting about my… Depression, I suppose. I’ll try to fit my jumbled words together. I know I don’t have it bad at home, loving parents, a few close friends… I know I was pretty lonely and depressed around seventh grade, my one best friend had always been fighting me for no reason,people were always telling me how unhappy I looked, but she was my friend. I couldn’t leave her. She moved around the end of seventh grade. I started S.I. around the end of eighth grade, mainly angry at myself for how naive I had been for the past year and sad that no one knew the real me. I had some new friends, though. But… I was overweight and constantly made fun of, I had even had rocks thrown at me from time to time. I would grit my teeth and just take it, my friends had no idea. Eigth grade ended eventually, great right?
Not so much. Freshman year I was super frightened for school, I’m not too social or great at making friends. First semester was horrible, I was alone in every one of my classes and I would always be the only one without friends. My other friends and I slowly drifted apart, making it really difficult on me and making me feeling more and more alone than ever. My science class I was harrassed by a boy in my science class, he actually started doing inappropriate physical things, to which I kicked him for. (I definately regret that, but a part of me is a bit proud.. Which is wrong.) I had been getting a C in that class and my parents were constantly yelling at me for it and then… My grandma died. I had to skip an entire week of school to go out to montanna for her funeral, which probably didn’t help with how I felt. When I was there I felt guilty about how I never got to spend enough time with her, and how I should have spent time with her. To shut my brain up, I resorted to S.I.ing.
Once we got back home the only class I was actually passing was english. I tried to bring my grades up for months with no avail, which of course lead to more yelling. That’s when it got really bad. I would go home crying around every day (not that my mom and dad noticed, and if they did I wouldn’t talk to them about it). One day it was the last straw, I injured myself…..
The semester came to a close, and second semester approached. I’ll admit, it was pretty good for a while. Embarrassingly I had a crush on a guy who I would talk to constantly, I still S.I.ed but not as much. Everything was going good until I realized my crush had asked out one of my close friends… I didn’t S.I. because of him. I S.I.ed because everyday I would look in the mirror and hate hate HATE what I saw (and still see), I wonder/ed if any guy would truly ever like someone like me (selfish and superficial I know). The thing that hurt a lot was that he would always hug her or talk to her now, instead of me. Slowly I got over it. Suck it up, I would tell myself. Freshman year ended.
Sophomore year (present). I have to admit, this year started off good too but is now slowly going downhill and fast. I have Cs in two classes and I am getting yelled at again. Now’s the time to think of college. I have to admit one of my deepest fears, besides shots and clowns, is the future. I start to get this mind numbing panic, my heart beats super fast and I feel like I’m going to be sick…. The fact is, I don’t really see a future for me. I don’t know… I just don’t know what to do, I feel so trapped, like the world is closing up around me. But I’m trying to stop S.I.ing, I really am…
Hey HoldingOn,
I’m Melody. Your story sounds a lot like my own. I didn’t grow up in a bad family either. I actually have a loving mother, my dad died six years ago but still my family isn’t that bad compaired to most. Si.’ing is probably one of the hardest things to go against. It truely is and the fact that you are here adn trying to stop shows that you kow your best days are ahead without S.I’ing. I started my S.I my sophmore year, and I ‘m glad to say with one minor slip up I am a year and half free. Trust me you can do better. My advice for you is this:
Keep writing. That will become an outlet for you. Write how you feel, write stories. Anything just write. Shutting your brain down is def. one of hte hardest things to do, but writing is a way to channel. My next piece of advice for you is this:
Talk to someone. Someone you trust, and talk to them about your S.I. To get better you will need a support system, and one personnis better than no one. You can get better it just takes one step at a time. If you ever need to talk or feel like you can’t talk to anyone in your life right now, email me. My email is dashdollie10@yahoo.com. I would be more than happy to help you get better. I wish you the best and hope things get better.
~Melody