Alrighty, so I’m not exactly used to ranting about my… Depression, I suppose. I’ll try to fit my jumbled words together. I know I don’t have it bad at home, loving parents, a few close friends… I know I was pretty lonely and depressed around seventh grade, my one best friend had always been fighting me for no reason,people were always telling me how unhappy I looked, but she was my friend. I couldn’t leave her. She moved around the end of seventh grade. I started S.I. around the end of eighth grade, mainly angry at myself for how naive I had been for the past year and sad that no one knew the real me. I had some new friends, though. But… I was overweight and constantly made fun of, I had even had rocks thrown at me from time to time. I would grit my teeth and just take it, my friends had no idea. Eigth grade ended eventually, great right?
Not so much. Freshman year I was super frightened for school, I’m not too social or great at making friends. First semester was horrible, I was alone in every one of my classes and I would always be the only one without friends. My other friends and I slowly drifted apart, making it really difficult on me and making me feeling more and more alone than ever. My science class I was harrassed by a boy in my science class, he actually started doing inappropriate physical things, to which I kicked him for. (I definately regret that, but a part of me is a bit proud.. Which is wrong.) I had been getting a C in that class and my parents were constantly yelling at me for it and then… My grandma died. I had to skip an entire week of school to go out to montanna for her funeral, which probably didn’t help with how I felt. When I was there I felt guilty about how I never got to spend enough time with her, and how I should have spent time with her. To shut my brain up, I resorted to S.I.ing.
Once we got back home the only class I was actually passing was english. I tried to bring my grades up for months with no avail, which of course lead to more yelling. That’s when it got really bad. I would go home crying around every day (not that my mom and dad noticed, and if they did I wouldn’t talk to them about it). One day it was the last straw, I injured myself…..
The semester came to a close, and second semester approached. I’ll admit, it was pretty good for a while. Embarrassingly I had a crush on a guy who I would talk to constantly, I still S.I.ed but not as much. Everything was going good until I realized my crush had asked out one of my close friends… I didn’t S.I. because of him. I S.I.ed because everyday I would look in the mirror and hate hate HATE what I saw (and still see), I wonder/ed if any guy would truly ever like someone like me (selfish and superficial I know). The thing that hurt a lot was that he would always hug her or talk to her now, instead of me. Slowly I got over it. Suck it up, I would tell myself. Freshman year ended.
Sophomore year (present). I have to admit, this year started off good too but is now slowly going downhill and fast. I have Cs in two classes and I am getting yelled at again. Now’s the time to think of college. I have to admit one of my deepest fears, besides shots and clowns, is the future. I start to get this mind numbing panic, my heart beats super fast and I feel like I’m going to be sick…. The fact is, I don’t really see a future for me. I don’t know… I just don’t know what to do, I feel so trapped, like the world is closing up around me. But I’m trying to stop S.I.ing, I really am…