On New Years Eve of last year I made the resolution to make myself happy. I started my second semester at HVCC and met some amazing people. I had found the happiness that I was looking for. It was right in front of me. It was in my hands. It was mine. I felt like I had it all and that I was on top of the world. I had, and still have, an amazing job. My grades in school were awesome. I made new friendships that I wanted to last forever. I had also found love. Not puppy love or lust, love. Where you would do anything and sacrifice everything to keep that person in your life and heart. Where every time you see that person you get butterflies in your stomach and, even if you don’t want to, you can’t help but to smile when you’re around them. I had that. It was the most amazing feeling in the world.
Then it all changed. I decided to make the mistake of ending that feeling. The fear of that person deserving someone better than me and not being able to see him took control over me. I ended it. I know, stupid me right? I’m human. I make mistakes, but so does everyone else.
After that, my choice of things became even more stupid. I’m not going to go into details. So let’s just say I betrayed one of my best friends trust. Something that I thought I would never do. Things got out of control and very heated. Now we hate each other. It’s hard when you lose one of your best friends and know that you two will never be friends again. I lost contact with a lot of people during that time. It took me a little while, but in time I got over it. I didn’t feel like dwelling in the past. I wanted to live for the present and what the future will bring me.
I started hanging out with new people. I had fun. I had new best friends. I found people that understood me. And of course, since I am human, I made a couple more mistakes. I decided to date my ex boyfriends’ friend. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Wow. Not nice…..” Yeah yeah. I already know. You don’t have to tell me twice. Things were going good. I was having fun. Things seemed like they were going good. I was happy again, but I wasn’t happy like I was before. The past was all I thought about. I couldn’t help myself. So I ended the relationship with the friend. It wasn’t fair for the both of us when I knew that it wasn’t what I truly wanted.
After that things just seemed to get worse. I was fighting with people a lot. I was drinking too much. Take it from me; it’s not a good idea. Don’t try it. I was just going even more downhill. I was going so downhill that I landed myself into depression.
Recently I had lost who I thought was my best friend. She betrayed my trust. I can’t forgive her. There is so much going on in my life that I can’t take it anymore.
I let my thoughts, my regrets, and my emotions take control of me. I stopped caring about everything. I wanted to run away. Around 90% of everyday I think about how I should just get up and leave. How if I did that everyone’s lives would be so much better. I hurt everyone and I ruin their lives. They are great thoughts, I know. Yeah, well I still think them. “The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” Those three thoughts haunt me every day and every night. They claw their way into my thoughts and dreams. There’s no escape. I try hiding from them, but they always find their way back. Everything just breaks me apart. In this point in time I am very sensitive to things. The littlest thing can set me off into an emotional breakdown. I don’t want those anymore.
My life just seems to get worse and worse by the day. It’s like I’m walking down an unknown path, in the darkest night, without a flashlight and a sense of where I am going. There are shadows around me that are my past. They haunt me. I hear a muffled scream as I go and then I realize that it is me who is screaming. It’s a soft scream, almost like a whisper, enough to make me hear it and nobody else. I’m smiling on the outside, but screaming on the inside. Nobody can hear me. Nobody can save me.
I feel like I have no control over my fate. It is all up to chance and that all of my efforts are completely useless. Even if I’m in a room filled with people who I know care, I still feel alone, hurt, and scared. I’m scared of what the future will bring, because I’m not even sure about anything anymore. I have watched my life crash before my eyes.
I have been dealing with S.I. off and on for almost 8 years now. Since all of this happened I have done it more. It’s like my only sign of relief. It may be temporary, but it’s there. Finally. Life is just too much for me and I feel I can’t make it without S.I.
I want to feel free. Free of drama, stress, and depression. I want happiness. I want things to go back to how they were before. I WANT RELIEF WITHOUT S.I. It’s all easier said than done.