She is a fifteen year old girl who has made a few mistakes in her lifetime. There are people in her life that have come and gone. People she wish she never met, and people she is grateful to have in her life now. Her best friend[s], saved her life. As much as they don`t know it, they are the reason her heart is still beating.
At the age of eleven, she started a bad habit. Injuring. She never looked or acted like there was something wrong, and no one ever knew. She managed to stop at first, but everything just became to much for her to handle, and she got back into her destructive habit. By the age of 13, Maddie injured too often. She stopped again. Not for long though. Like always, she needs her relief, like an alcoholic needs alcohol.
“I know what I am doing to myself isn`t right, and is killing me. But, sometimes… I don`t know how to stop. I want to, believe me. I do. But once you start, it`s hard to stop. It`s an addiction, and it`s got me hooked.” – Maddie.
During her 9th grade year, things seemed like they were looking up. She had two best friends who she trusted with her life, and she finally got the courage to ask out the guy of her dreams. She was happy, for once, or so she let everyone believe. And, as you can guess… She started injuring again. Promising her friends she would stop, she didn`t. What started as injuring to release anger, sadness, hatred, turned into a hobby. Something she did for fun.
It was February 2009, she was in gym class. Girls in the weight room, boys doing a fitness test. Maddie was lifting weights, or trying too. Her left arm had no strength left from injuring. She broke her promise, again, and again, and again. Just getting worse and worse.
This is where it stops, too long later. But, at least it stops. Sure there are things that will trigger her mind, and will make her want to self-injure herself. But she knows better ways of dealing now. Talking to people who she trusts, listening to music. Sometimes those urges get to much to handle for her though. She replaces the urge with other behaviors until the urge goes away.
It is now August 2009, Maddie is starting her first year high school. SI is no longer her way of relief. Although, she does think of it from time to time. And still does it, but not as much as she used too. Her life is looking up, she has friends who love her for who she is. She may have scars, but she likes to think they build character sometimes.
“I hate seeing people hurt themselves. Because I`ve been there, and done that. I know it`s not the answer, you may think it is at the time. But, the scars you can`t see, are the ones that never heal. I always try and help people now, if I know something is wrong, I tell them to talk to me if they don`t know who else to go to because I will listen. And I know now that keeping your feelings inside, isn`t a good thing to do. Don`t be afraid to tell people something is wrong. With any luck, someone out there is willing to try and help you and listen to your problems.” – Maddie.
I wrote this on my Nexopia over the summer, I sent it to TWLOHA as well.
Lately, I have been unbearably broken. Broken, that word is forever a part of me. I injured about a week ago. I don’t know why, I just couldn’t take it. I needed to escape, this is my escape. .. Every new injury, it goes numb…. I just… I don’t know what to do anymore..
Yeah… Thanks for taking the time to read this if you did…