Hey everybody,

Sorry I haven’t posted anything on here in a while. A lot of things have happened. My mom found my stash in my drawer. My friend did something to help me injure….but I can’t get into that here.   Also, one of my closest friends told the director that she couldn’t deal with this anymore, so now I’m not supposed to talk to any of my friends about it. I feel so alone.

I really want to stop now, but it’s so hard. It’s exhausting. I need to stop, but the images keep playing in my mind, and a voice keeps telling my how I’m so worthless and fat and supid and a failure. I found out that a while ago, one of my best friends had tried to kill herself. We weren’t close friends then, so I didn’t know. I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot, but I know that I have way too much to lose and that it would completely break the people that I love and who love me. It would be easy to leave, but it would take strength to stay, so I’m going to stay strong. How can I make the images go away? And how can I make the voice in my head stop saying these negative things?

Here are two more poems. Let me know what you think.

Dancing

Dancing,

Moving,

Free-falling through

Space, time, and gravity,

Forgetting,

For a few beautiful moments,

The scars and the pain.

Dancing,

Living, freeing, breathing.

Catching a dream and

Nurturing it with my bare hands,

Holding on to it,

Letting it heal my scars.

Dancing,

My silhouette presented in the moonlight,

Soft like a breeze,

Better than flying.

Every inch of my body waiting,

Alive like an electrical current,

Power surging through me.

Adrenaline replacing fear,

Hope replacing loss,

And pure bliss replacing depression.
The jumps fix my broken heart,

The extensions strengthen my fading will,

Love coursing through me,

And when I step outside my sanctuary,

Healed,

I can finally feel the rain.

Precarious

My shaking hands

Holding a trembling thread

Of hopes

Dreams

And I know that at any time

You can end it.

Send me falling,

Falling,

Into darkness.

Into a point of no return.

I’m precarious.

I have to put up a Wall.

I can’t let anybody in.

I can’t let anybody stop me.

I can’t let you hold my hand,

Because I can’t trust you.

I can’t let you say you love me,

Because I can’t afford to have my

Heart smashed into a million little pieces

Again.

I can’t let myself cry,

I can’t lift my disguise,

Because I

Have to protect my secret.

As much as I want to love you

And for you to love me

As much as I want to feel the

Soft roughness of your hand on mine,

The warm, reassuring comfort of your arm around my shoulders,

My arm around your waist,

Our body heat hot enough to

Warm this cold, unforgiving, darkness,

That is now my life.

I can’t let you in,

Until I’m standing on solid ground.

If you want to help me,

Then you can,

But I can’t take down my walls.

Because I’m precarious.