I have not SIed in several weeks. I was recently put on medication for depression…not that I credit the medication for the improvement. It almost seems pointless to SI and my thoughts are still focused on something a bit more extreme. I thought the medication would help, but it only makes me insanely tired, which doesn’t help at all, especially when I have to go to work and function.

I am losing faith in myself to do the right things and to do what is best for me. Therapy has been going well, but for the past few weeks it seems to have hit a slump – like there is nothing left to talk about and I am just wasting my therapist’s time. The medication makes me feel very weird and at times makes my thought process a bit more foggy and dangerous.

I want to try so hard to make things better. I am getting married in a little less than a year and I am so excited about it,  it seems that it is the only thing that makes me smile. And really, even that is diminishing. My finance is very concerned about my mood and well-being that it takes a toll on our relationship. I love him so much and I don’t want to cause him any worry or pain. I feel that is what I am doing to a lot of people lately.

I just don’t know what to do. I can’t revert back to the old me because that was unhealthy and not accomplishing anything, but now I feel like a zombie and even more hopeless. I am still trying, but I am losing energy.