I went to the doctor yesterday for help managing something I did to myself. I felt good about going- like I wasn’t twisting away from reality but facing it and it was a lot easier than just sitting around worrying. In general I’ve been thinking about posting a positive message here. Like, I had a relapse. It was bad but now I’ve found my footing and I’m here saying that life can be good. Somehow I might think of positive but that never motivates me to post. There is plenty of good. The world is full of good but right now I’m back to struggling.
I left the doctor feeling supported. I managed to get out without having to say that I caused the injury, which surely made things easier but even if I had to say- I would have been fine. I think he knew because he said that if it happens again I should come in right away but he didn’t humiliate me. He gave me a couple prescriptions and some instructions. I went home and followed them but it didn’t work and only made things worse. Then I was angry. Suddenly mad that I waited almost 2 hours to see him for less then 10 minutes. It was a struggle to keep myself waiting, constantly wanting to run for the door. I feel so disrespected. I don’t think he listened to me or he wouldn’t have given me the instructions that didn’t work because I was saying that what happened was what would happen.
I’m in more pain now. I feel more alone then ever and and I can’t stop myself from injuring. I feel like I tried all the doors and there aren’t any more doors to try. I don’t trust anyone. I feel like I can feel supported for a minute but it’s always a lie. I have a couple friends who know about the si but only in a very general way. I was more specific with one last week. At first it felt good (just like it felt good at first to go to the doctor) but now I’m worried that I lost her or there will always be this extra distance between us. And I lost her by not hiding the things that one is supposed to hide. I lost most of my relationship with my mother by revealing something too. My friend said that she feels cautious about saying anything to me now because the si is over her head. I don’t blame her. I think I’d feel the same way in her position and that just makes me feel more sad and trapped.
I just hate myself. I don’t always feel this way. That knowledge is something I have to hang onto.