sometimes i feel like Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde..
as though there are two sides to me. one side is the real me .. the happy, loving girl that just wants to live a normal life, the one who is trying to get over some very traumatic things that happened in the past in a safe and healthy way.. Then there is the other side too me.. the Mr. Hyde side or i guess Mrs. Hyde.. the side I’m not sure how to control, the side that doesn’t know how to control their emotions let alone there actions, and hurts herself there for hurting the ones who love her as well.
it seems like i can be going on, having a normal day.. even a somewhat happy peaceful day, and the smallest thing can turn it all upside down. Its like i read something, or see something, or remember something that reminds me of a bad time in my life, or reminds me of something or someone that has hurt me, or even something i have done too hurt myself .. and ill just keep thinking of these terrible things, until eventually .. Dr. Jekyll is gone and I’m Mrs. Hyde.
it all just builds up, not slowly.. but very quickly, its like i don’t even have time to realize that it is happening, and if i do have a few seconds where my head is clear and i happen to realize that im just upsetting myself.. its like its too late and my world is spinning out of control, i cant catch my breath, trying to breath trying to reach for anything to grab hold of to just bring me back into reality.. but it’s so strong, and so hard that i just… let go, and give in.
once that happens.. the happy me, the half that just wants to live, love and be loved.. is lost, and all she can do is just give in and do what the other wants, until she sees injures herself.
i cant let go of things.. even the smallest of things, if something has hurt me or bothered me in the past, i carry it for a long time.. and if something reminds me of it, i loose myself in it.. and all of the emotions it may bring.
i need help, because Mrs. Jekyll is losing.. i feel as though i may loose her forever.
i don’t injure myself to try and kill myself.. i feel like i have to do it in order to stay alive. I have done it for so long, that its become a part of me.. i feel like the good side of me is just carrying this “dead weight” behind her, the bad side of her, and even though she wants to let go of the bad sooo much its so much apart of her that she can’t she has become attatched, she would be lost without it.
i need something to replace the dark side of me, i know that i need help, and i am wiling to be helped.
i just find that its hard to talk to people, especially the one that i am closest with.. my boyfriend. he is the most caring, loving, giving person i know.
he would do anything to help me, and he tries his absolute hardest.. I’m just not good at explaining my emotions, this is the best i can do.. the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde example.
i am so worried that i will do something to completely push him away forever, and then what will i be left with? i will then for sure have to give in too he dead weight, i cannot carry it alone. I need someone to help me build strength. someone to show me the way.
some days i feel like i can talk to him.. because thats the happy side of me .. the side that wants the help, and can accept the fact that she needs help, other days.. or even sometimes during the same day i can feel like i don’t want anyones help, i cant be saved, i cant fix this, im stupid for even trying.. im not worth his pain.
im lost, and im so confused, but im searching.. im scared, and im hurt, but i continue to try and move forward.. im broken, and I’m continuing to break, not only myself but a very important relationship.
im scared of what is too come next. …