I figured I’d never be writing about any of this again.  I have been through so much and thought that this part of my life was simply over.  I was wrong.  I was wrong in the worst way a person can be wrong.  I have been through treatment for multiple ways of hurting myself five times in the past three years, well, my youngest is 4 and a half, and this has all been since she was 19-months.  The self-harm was only a mild issue until this past November.  Then it became a larger issue.  Then, it was gone.  Now it is back and with a vengeance.  I don’t know what to do.  Even since I returned from Remuda Ranch on September 22, after being gone for 75 days, my eating has been questionable, to put it mildly.  I keep thinking, “what am i missing, what am i doing wrong, what is wrong with me?”  I am older, I am wiser, I am a mother.  I cannot continue to put my children through this.  How different is what I am doing from what my parents did to me?  Really?  And my psychiatrist, who also does my therapy, seems to understand less and less, the longer I see her, which baffles my mind, as a counseling student (graduate level) myself.  I am at my wit’s end here.  I’m not sleeping, not eating, I ordered impulse control logs again, yet my urges are just as high, I just see no light, and I want to see a light.  This is not fun for me, no matter what my therapist wants to believe.  I am sorry to just jump on here and rant, but it seems as though there is a lack of those who understand, and I thought maybe i could find that here.  Thank you for listening/reading/whatever.

Natalie