I seem to always get to this 2 month mark before i get so angry at myself that i have to do it again. It happened again on thursday after a little over 2 months of self control.
So anyhow…i’ve been analyzing the situation a bit, trying to figure out why this keeps happening. And it occurred to me that whenever i hurt myself, it’s because i’m remembering lots of stuff in the past i feel guilty about & that’s very painful to remember. Usually it’s triggered by something in the present, but that brings back memories of all this “past stuff” i have no control over anymore, and that’s what makes me want to hurt myself.
I’ve always seen things in kinda black/white terms. Either i am doing good or i am doing bad. And the thing that makes me want to hurt myself is the fact that the bad things i’ve done seem to outweigh the good. I figure if i’ve done so many bad things already, that’s who i am and it will never change, so the only thing left to do is punish myself.
I guess what i want is a second chance. Or at least a more optimistic view of past events. I want to believe i can make something good out of it all, but then i feel like i’m just making excuses and rationalizing what’s happened. And i am a big fan of honesty and i don’t believe in excuses.
Anyway…sorry this post is so dang depressing