What do you do about a time when you don’t want to stop. I went a long time and put in so much effort but I feel totally different now. I feel like I have some deep understanding that this is what is right and real and good. I injured. I talked to my t on the phone and he said he thought I should go to the psych er and I said no. That scared me and hangs there as a lingering caution of what I do not want. I got rid of the tool I had the other day but I know I’ll buy another one. Everything about how I was thinking before is gone. Or that’s not entirely true b/c I’m posting here. I did call my t before I got started but I’d done something bad before he returned the call. Now I’m afraid that if I call again he’ll tell me something I don’t want to hear. I’m confused. I’ve been feeling confused over little things- trying to order some papers I just couldn’t. Lying on the floor from stress trying to figure out how much milk to add to the oatmeal- a 1:3 conversation I couldn’t get my head around. That sort of thing is frustrating and scary. I know something got really off. It’s hard to make myself eat but don’t have ed issues. Sleeping a lot. I feel collapsed. The one thing that seems sure is that I want to hurt myself. I really want to. It seems to make so much sense but I know there’s a whole other point of view in me somewhere that I’m having a hard time accessing. I know why I was triggered but connecting back to that doesn’t change anything in how I’m thinking now, if anything it reinforces it. I’m lost. I have therapy appoints next week m-thurse so maybe someone will say something that changes something if I just wait a while longer to do anything but I also feel like I need to act now because maybe I’ll be talked out of it and this is my chance.
About today: I made myself shower and dress, went to a slow yoga class and was feeling human then thought I should just get out and go see a friend but my husband didn’t like that- said I was running away again and all I ever want to do it run away- to yoga or therapy. And didn’t I want to spend time with him and talk b/c we have serious stuff to talk about. I knew I needed a rest from that sort of stuff but didn’t do what I know I needed. Now I’m back to the start. I want to keep typing b/c I know that when I’m done if I’m still home alone I’ll be able to buy a tool. When I read that last sentence over there seems to be so much pain in it but I can’t locate any of that pain in me. I feel cold. I don’t want to be in so much trouble. Someone’s here. Clearly some part of me still wants to stop myself.