I haven’t posted here in a long time… wish I could say I was still doing well and remaining strong like I once was. I had gone six or seven years without hurting myself but that is no longer true. I have injured myself twice now, and this time is so much different. In the past I hurt myself to feel better, to bring that smile back to my face, but not this time. This time it’s out of panick because I don’t know what else to do. I have so much stress in my life… it all began when my sister decided to call me one night when she was drunk and let me in on a couple family secrets. Why? Why did she have to tell me? Lets just say one involves my mother and grandfather and the other my sister and my uncles. Such information I cannot handle. I went straight into panic mode after hanging up on her, balling my eyes out, having a hard time breathing, and before I knew it I was injuring myself because I couldn’t handle what I just learned and I didn’t know what else to do.
Life is so stressful and I can’t handle it all. I have this family secret I try to ignore but it remains in the back of my mind and keeps popping up, I’m dealing with my sister who is an alcoholic and needs help but yet she doesn’t want to stop drinking. We all know she needs help and everyone is sitting back waiting for me to take the next step and help her because I know the most since I took a few addiction classes. I’m falling apart, I can’t even help myself, how am I suppose to help her? Then like everyone else I’m broke. I’m already head over heals in debt and now I can’t even afford to pay my bills. My roommate and so called friend is moving out before the lease is up so now I can’t even afford to pay rent and don’t know where I am going to get the money. My family can’t help because there all broke as well, my sis is about to lose her house… all of this is constantly in the back of my mind.
About two weeks ago I hit a breaking point and went into panick mode again and started injuring myself because I couldn’t deal with the thoughts in my mind and everything that is going on in my life. I don’t know what to do. I’m sure to hit another breaking point, I feel one coming on already. I can feel the pressure building up. I’m scared. Scared I’ll continue and add to the scars I already have. Scared that now I started I wont be able to stop. One of my friends came over during my last panic attack because I called her in tears over the phone. But I couldn’t wait for her to arrive. I tried to wait and hold off but I couldn’t do it. By the time she arrived it was to late and she had to help clean up. I know if I was to call her she would come over and help me, but I’m not the type to ask for help, it’s difficult for me to do, and when I do, it’s to late. I’m scared. I’m so stressed over so many things and I’m afraid I’ll find myself injuring myself again. I need help, I know this… but where and who do I turn to?