I haven’t posted here in a long time… wish I could say I was still doing well and remaining strong like I once was. I had gone six or seven years without hurting myself but that is no longer true. I have injured myself twice now, and this time is so much different. In the past I hurt myself to feel better, to bring that smile back to my face, but not this time. This time it’s out of panick because I don’t know what else to do. I have so much stress in my life… it all began when my sister decided to call me one night when she was drunk and let me in on a couple family secrets. Why? Why did she have to tell me? Lets just say one involves my mother and grandfather and the other my sister and my uncles. Such information I cannot handle. I went straight into panic mode after hanging up on her, balling my eyes out, having a hard time breathing, and before I knew it I was injuring myself because I couldn’t handle what I just learned and I didn’t know what else to do.
Life is so stressful and I can’t handle it all. I have this family secret I try to ignore but it remains in the back of my mind and keeps popping up, I’m dealing with my sister who is an alcoholic and needs help but yet she doesn’t want to stop drinking. We all know she needs help and everyone is sitting back waiting for me to take the next step and help her because I know the most since I took a few addiction classes. I’m falling apart, I can’t even help myself, how am I suppose to help her? Then like everyone else I’m broke. I’m already head over heals in debt and now I can’t even afford to pay my bills. My roommate and so called friend is moving out before the lease is up so now I can’t even afford to pay rent and don’t know where I am going to get the money. My family can’t help because there all broke as well, my sis is about to lose her house… all of this is constantly in the back of my mind.
About two weeks ago I hit a breaking point and went into panick mode again and started injuring myself because I couldn’t deal with the thoughts in my mind and everything that is going on in my life. I don’t know what to do. I’m sure to hit another breaking point, I feel one coming on already. I can feel the pressure building up. I’m scared. Scared I’ll continue and add to the scars I already have. Scared that now I started I wont be able to stop. One of my friends came over during my last panic attack because I called her in tears over the phone. But I couldn’t wait for her to arrive. I tried to wait and hold off but I couldn’t do it. By the time she arrived it was to late and she had to help clean up. I know if I was to call her she would come over and help me, but I’m not the type to ask for help, it’s difficult for me to do, and when I do, it’s to late. I’m scared. I’m so stressed over so many things and I’m afraid I’ll find myself injuring myself again. I need help, I know this… but where and who do I turn to?
Do you have anyone that you are really close to? Someone that you trust more than anyone else? (like your friend) It take along time to quit once you start.. It’s not to late.. it is never to late. You can help your sister you can help her by talking to her or by taking her to a.a., when my dad was drinking alot i took the alcohol and hid it or dumped it out. Show her that she has a problem. Do you have anyone you could borrow money from like a bank.. then pay it back later? Look for a cheaper place or something put up a sign for a new roommate.. umm… i have really never had to do this before but umm.. would you be able to get a second job? it will take alot of work but you can get back on your feet… You may not be the type to ask for help but if you really need it you have to.. Umm.. maybe if you feel like you will injure again you can call your friend if you even start to get stressed to badly and she can come and talk you out of hurting yourself. You are a strong person and you are handling everything with strength you may not see it that way but it is true… if you need to talk about anything i am here just email me at jjmsgirl@gmail.com