I was at college in the fall of 2008.  I was fine.  Fist semester came and went and i had my friends and everything was cool. then came second semester. all of a sudden the friends i thought i had now had new friends and somehow i missed the memo and was left alone just sitting on my bed one night. thats when it started. 

a few weeks in and nothing serious had come from it really but my roommate found out and demanded i come clean with my parents.  I didnt see the harm in what i was doing so i had no real problem telling them but a week later i had been taken out of college.  This was last february.

Now it is october, my family thinks im totally fine.  I am from the east coast but for an entire year i will be living away from everyone i know at a missions organization half way across the country.  i have been at this place for 2 months now.  about one month of it has been with the renewed SI.

it is much more serious than it was at college.  im slipping and i dont know what to do and i dont know who to tell.

i hate acting so fake in front of everyone here but i dont really know them and i know they wouldnt take it well.  I cant tell people from home because what could they do about it? if they made me leave here it would be like my entire life would be destined to repetion and failure and i cant have that.

please dont misunderstand, i do love God and am not faking my relationship with Him here, but that smile i am forced to wear and the jokes and light-heartedness just really isnt there for me and i feel bad decieving people.

i’m afraid and i dont know what to do about it.  i hate hurting the people that i love.  i feel so trapped