How is it possible for someone to feel awful, disgusted, guilty, ashamed, happy all at one time. I’m not too sure, but right now that’s exactly how I feel.

An eating disorder claimed my best friend’s life last year. I haven’t been the same since. I miss her. I loved her like she was my own true sister. I had to enter high school alone and hated. People hated me because of what happened to her. They blamed me for not stopping her. Well, the truth is I have an eating disorder to and didn’t see the wrong in what she was doing. I do now, but still am having a huge difficulty stopping.

Now, why I’m happy, you’re probably wondering. Well, my best guy friend (who knows about everything; the eating disorder, the SI, everything and is also helping me get through this) asked me out a week ago. After so long battling myself for the right answer, I decided to tell him yes.

The conflict? He was my best friend’s boyfriend until the day her heart stopped.

I feel so awful like I’m betraying her. He told me he was feeling like that too, but thought she’d want us to be happy. I am happy with him. He’s the only one who understands what I’m dealing with, and he doesn’t think I’m insane for having these problems. But I can’t help the guilt.

When people heard about us on Friday, I got called a list of bad names which led for me caving and SI. I haven’t seen him this weekend, so he doesn’t know I have yet.

But why I’m even mentioning this is because I want to have some opinions. Is dating him wrong of me? Is it really betraying Haley, (my best friend)? Please be honest, cause I don’t want to shame her memory. Believe me I don’t.