first thing you need to know is that I recently told my family that I’m depressed. They don’t know that I SI, but they know I hate life. Everyone told me that telling them would set me free. And while it may for a normal person, it made my life a million times harder. I know that it’s hard when you’re young to understand what teenagers are going through. When my older sister turned Wicca, I was too young to understand and I was confused by the whole thing. And I guess that’s what everyone is going through now with me. But I don’t think I ever said anything offensive to her, my whole family is trashing me. Tonight I was helping my little sister with her homework and she was getting frustrated. She said “I’ll never get it right! I should just kill myself!” I told her that talking like that wasn’t funny; she’s too young to be serious about that. She yelled “if you can think it, why can’t I say it?” she’s only five and for the most part she’s really sweet. She’s never talked like that before. I ended up in tears. I know she’s too young to understand what’s going on, and I know its confusing for her to hear everyone else say that to me. I tried to explain to her that it’s not nice to say and that no one should say that. But she asked “if it’s bad, then why does mommy say it?” I told her that mommy shouldn’t say that either, that it’s always wrong. But she’s at that age where mommy can’t do anything wrong. Even though I know that my mom isn’t always right; I can’t tell a five year old that her mommy is saying bad things. I don’t know how to make her understand. And most of all I don’t know how to make my family understand that it hurts to hear that.
My brother is seven and he doesn’t get what’s going on. But someone explained to him that suicide is when you kill yourself. And, being from my religious family, he knows the bible. A couple days ago I was sitting on the couch watching TV and he came and sat on my lap with a bible. He opened it up and had a list of verses and notes (typical preacher’s kid). He basically gave me a mini sermon about how suicide is murder and murder is against god laws. But I can’t explain my feelings to a seven year old. My whole family is really strict about the bible and to him it’s plain and simple. Everything is black and white when you’re seven. I just wish that my family could somehow see my point of view. I no longer believe in god or the bible or any of that. My family doesn’t know that, but they know my beliefs are shaky. If I can’t make them understand that I’m miserable; how can I expect them to understand that I don’t believe in something that they think is everything? My life is freakin messed up and no one knows even half of it!