Hey

So my life was hitting a good note, I’m almost at 4 weeks without S.I.ing, I almost gave in a million times but came out on the other end. But I just got some news that might change everything. And I’m scared. I auditioned for this dance competition in San Francisco, and I didn’t make it. I know it doesn’t seem like that much of a big deal, but it was major motivation for me to stop because my parents said that if I started again and I got in, then I wouldn’t be able to go. Also, I worked so hard on my solo for the audition, and one of my friends who didn’t even work that hard got in. Also it was because I’m not that great at pointe work, and the director wanted me to do both a ballet solo, and a contemporary solo. I’m crushed, and I don’t think there’s even a reason left for me to refrain from S.I.ing. Please help me.

Also, here’s a poem I wrote. Let me know what you think.

Tears

Tears
Glistening like
Diamonds
That tainted my trembling skin
Marked them with their
Temptation
Addiction

Tears
They give me away
Show that my smile is manufactured
That my laugh is
Metallic and computer-generated
My emotions pour down my face
My pain
For everybody to see
So I keep my tears
Hold them close to my heart
Save them
For when I’m all alone
In my room.

I confine myself to these four walls
They see my pain
They see my tears
They see my secret
They see the pain,
The depression,
The fog that glazes my eyes every day
So I can make it through the next.
Second,
Minute,
Hour,
Day.

Tears
I wish I could cry to you
Tears
I wish I didn’t have to hide
But I’m scared
That you won’t understand.