Okay so I’m feeling completely lifeless now. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore, that’s how truly disgusted to the core I am with myself. I have a list of things wrong. I SI too often. I am getting back my old ED. And the list of horrible things goes on.
Part of me wants a change, the other part likes it this way. I don’t know why, I just do. No one knows anything and I’d like to think they’d be a bit more respectful if they did know. My mom is treating me really badly lately because she’s been having a bad week. My sister it too young to get all her frustrations taken out on, so I am the one who has to suffer. My dad is still on my case about playing basketball and I just DO NOT want to.
I dunno what encouraged me to start back with the ED thing. I guess, to be honest but not trying to point fingers or anything, but it was all the comments that go to my sister. She’s the type of girl who can eat all this junk food whenever and however much she wants and still be an absolute twig. Well, every time a friend of my parents drops by (which is often lately) they always tell them how skinny and pretty my sister is. And nothing about me. It’s discouraging.
It’s gotten to the point where ending up in a hospital sounds appealing. Maybe then I’d actually feel loved by my family? Maybe then they’d have just an ounce more respect for what I’m dealing with and what they’re putting me through. I’m not asking to be worshipped, just to maybe back off for a little while. Let me have some peace to myself without getting so angry and yelling at me.