It is a struggle to breathe these days. I feel like there are just moments that come up where it’s as if something just took out all the energy, life and happiness out of me. In those moments my mind goes to very unsafe places. I haven’t SIed in what seems life forever. In reality it has been about 3 or 4 weeks which should mean something, but given that I have SIed over half my life, it just feels like at any moment it will kick back up again. It’s not so much that I want to SI, though. I think those urges have been replaced by darker thoughts.
Life is beautiful. I am so blessed and yet I can not seem to stop this. I have written about this before, and I still keep going back to the same thing… Growing up, things were very difficult. I was dealt a very difficult hand. I survived the best I knew how – even if that meant surviving by SIing. But now I am free to be independent and do what I choose and not be dominated by people. I have control to say “No” and to get out of situations I don’t want to be in. I have a wonderful life now.
So why am struggling so much. It is hard to write down and get out how much effort it takes to breathe and get up and go through the motions of the day. Therapy is difficult because it is hard to be 100% honest all the time. I have been down this road before. I know what happens if I become too honest about my thoughts. I feel selfish too. I have a couple of people who really care about me and want to support me, but I do not allow myself to be supported. I feel like I am draining on these people and it makes me feel even worse.
I want to SI sometimes because I know it will help, even if temporarily, with some of the darker thoughts. But at the same time I am afraid of what I can do. I am not sure what to do at this point. I feel like I am screaming for some help, and it is right here in front of me, but I am too scared to accept it. I feel like I am holding on by a thread that I am allowing to slowly break while I just watch and do nothing.